Well...almost. A is in big girl undies at school and is doing so well! She had one pee accident yesterday, when they were outside playing... I'm wondering if they didn't ask her if she had to go before they went outside?? And of course... poop. Poop is her nemesis. She is nervous and embarrassed about it, and tells us right AFTER she's gone...in her pants... And she's on antibiotics for this awesome month long cough/cold, so it was nasty. Glad she was at school when it happened yesterday, because C & I dealt with enough poopy pants this weekend, thankyouverymuch.
Side note: wasn't getting her tonsils out supposed to help her not be sick as much? Yeah. Guess not. She is sleeping better, not snoring, and all that jazz. But she's ALWAYS sick. poor little nugget.
Here are some of her cute sayings..mostly for me because I am awful at keeping any kind of record of her milestones.
pota dots - polka dots
ruckie duckie - rubber ducky
i ate my (insert food) all - she always puts all at the end. my little yoda.
cool dude!
It no fit -- with a scrunched up little face - as C tried to put on one of her necklaces over his ginormous head.
She counts to 10...then says thirteen. Ha!
Her ABCs-- mishmash of letters, mumbles... I have to get it on camera because it's hysterical.
Twinkle Twinkle - she says 'uppa buppa' for 'up above the' - This kid can't get any cuter.
the other day she said....
i so proud of you -- to me, when i blew my nose.
hi little boy -- to C as she rubbed his head. It's what we say to Jethro. Hilarious.
Ok, thats it for this installment of - please dont forget how cute your kid is at this moment...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Auntie Carol
Today, my Aunt Carol will die from breast cancer. Its been a long battle, and much of what could go wrong has. She was too disabled by treatments to work and lost her job of 25 years & healthcare coverage... She got terribly depressed and basically became a shut in... My grandmother died, and put her further into a depression... My cousin has been ill this whole time as well. She thought she was in remission, and a doctor told her that the rash she had was just from radiation, when in fact it was breast cancer cells that had spread and manifested on the skin... And that was basically the beginning of the end.
She went into the hospital in September with awful swelling, and it turns out her kidneys had shut down. She was saved with a shunt, but was told she didn't have much time - that the cancer had taken over. She's been in a nursing home in hospice care since then, and we've all had a chance to say our goodbyes, make peace with the situation.
In the last week or so, she's gone way down hill, very quickly. My cousin Keith & my dad just got the call that she has become unresponsive, and likely won't make it through the end of the day. So they are going there to be by her side and together.
She's an amazing lady. We didn't have the cutesy aunt-neice relationship. She was always no-bullshit with me, treated me like a friend, and I respected her for it. When she pulled back from everyone - from life really - I let her...called now and then but I didn't push her...until she went into the hospital I hadn't see her since Christmas 2009!
I got to tell her I loved her a million times, held her hand, told her stories, listened to hers, brought Allie to see her when she was with it enough to interact. I told her I was sorry that it had been so long -- that I felt like a shitty niece, that I could have pushed, banged on her door... she told me it was better this way. I told her I wasn't asking for forgiveness and she - ever the wiseass - waved her hand in the sign of the cross like a priest and said "I absolve you." Cracking jokes till the end. That's Auntie Carol, and that's why I love her.
So I don't have any regrets. I said goodbye many times over the past few weeks, but the imminent-ness of this is hitting me much harder than I thought it would...
Auntie Carol - your strength, your grit, and your resolve through all the shit that life has thrown at you are inspirational. Maybe you weren't always graceful in how you handled things, but you handled them the way that YOU wanted to, at no one else's direction and on no one's terms but your own. For that, I will forever admire you and be grateful for your example of true strength. I wish you a painless, calm, peaceful and love-filled passing...Tell Gramma I said hello, watch over our family, and come visit whenever you want.
I love you.
She went into the hospital in September with awful swelling, and it turns out her kidneys had shut down. She was saved with a shunt, but was told she didn't have much time - that the cancer had taken over. She's been in a nursing home in hospice care since then, and we've all had a chance to say our goodbyes, make peace with the situation.
In the last week or so, she's gone way down hill, very quickly. My cousin Keith & my dad just got the call that she has become unresponsive, and likely won't make it through the end of the day. So they are going there to be by her side and together.
She's an amazing lady. We didn't have the cutesy aunt-neice relationship. She was always no-bullshit with me, treated me like a friend, and I respected her for it. When she pulled back from everyone - from life really - I let her...called now and then but I didn't push her...until she went into the hospital I hadn't see her since Christmas 2009!
I got to tell her I loved her a million times, held her hand, told her stories, listened to hers, brought Allie to see her when she was with it enough to interact. I told her I was sorry that it had been so long -- that I felt like a shitty niece, that I could have pushed, banged on her door... she told me it was better this way. I told her I wasn't asking for forgiveness and she - ever the wiseass - waved her hand in the sign of the cross like a priest and said "I absolve you." Cracking jokes till the end. That's Auntie Carol, and that's why I love her.
So I don't have any regrets. I said goodbye many times over the past few weeks, but the imminent-ness of this is hitting me much harder than I thought it would...
Auntie Carol - your strength, your grit, and your resolve through all the shit that life has thrown at you are inspirational. Maybe you weren't always graceful in how you handled things, but you handled them the way that YOU wanted to, at no one else's direction and on no one's terms but your own. For that, I will forever admire you and be grateful for your example of true strength. I wish you a painless, calm, peaceful and love-filled passing...Tell Gramma I said hello, watch over our family, and come visit whenever you want.
I love you.
Monday, May 9, 2011
A month later...
I kept telling myself to come on here and post an update, but I was thinking there'd be something more exciting later in the month to write about. Not so much! So, a month later, here I am. Thank God no one reads this but me!
Not a whole lot happened in April, I don't think. Last week, though, we had Alexandra evaluated by Birth to Three, a free CT service to determine developmental issues a child might be having. I've been worried about Allie's speech - not her receptiveness or comprehension, but her actual expression of words. She says Mama, Dada & No just fine (we even get the finger wag with no no no!), but all her other "words" are what they call word approximations. They are close, and more than just babbling or sounds, but they are not THE words, and I was a little concerned. She had the eval, and she rocked it - thankfully she does not qualify for services. But the women were fantastic, and didn't make me feel paranoid or crazy at all - they understood where I was coming from, and suggested that because of all her ear infections, she *really* has only been hearing well since September...so she's a little behind where she otherwise would be with her speech. They wanted us to keep track of what she does say, so here it is - in all her cuteness.
Dedoh - Jethro
Tchoo- Juice
Doo - Shoe/Foot/Toes
Go - this is pretty new, she actually says go
wawa - water
Puh - Up and Cup
Coh - Coat
Bah bah - Bye bye & Haaah - Hi...our girl has a southern accent
Hah -Hat
Hoh - Hot
Mo - More (and the sign)
She also - on command - barks like a dog, moos like a cow, toots like a train & quacks like a duck -- sort of.
As relieved as I am to hear that she is not officially "delayed" in her speech, I can't wait till she really says the words, and selfishly, I can't wait to hear her say "I love you". She give the best kisses and hugs, as it is, but to hear her say that? I know my heart will burst.
In other news, we have an appointment for her to see an Allergist on Friday...we'll see how that goes. Not looking forward to the scratch tests at all. Mother's Day was yesterday and it was awesome. C brought her in to wake me up, and really, what better way to wake up then to a beautiful smiling face saying Mama and giving hugs and wet kisses?? We went out to breakfast at our spot, Huxley's, I got a pedicure with Apryl, then it was off to the beach, Jethro included! It wasn't the smoothest trip but it was tons of fun and a perfect afternoon with my little family. We got home, I worked outside for a while on a couple beds that needed weeding and new flowers (Badly), and we had some cuddletime with the girl before bed. She was awfully gabby, and she has started to sing and dance too. She'll just go aaaah, aaaah, and move her arms and legs, or bob her head - seriously. I need video of it, because it's beyond cute / hysterical. It really was a perfect day!
Not a whole lot happened in April, I don't think. Last week, though, we had Alexandra evaluated by Birth to Three, a free CT service to determine developmental issues a child might be having. I've been worried about Allie's speech - not her receptiveness or comprehension, but her actual expression of words. She says Mama, Dada & No just fine (we even get the finger wag with no no no!), but all her other "words" are what they call word approximations. They are close, and more than just babbling or sounds, but they are not THE words, and I was a little concerned. She had the eval, and she rocked it - thankfully she does not qualify for services. But the women were fantastic, and didn't make me feel paranoid or crazy at all - they understood where I was coming from, and suggested that because of all her ear infections, she *really* has only been hearing well since September...so she's a little behind where she otherwise would be with her speech. They wanted us to keep track of what she does say, so here it is - in all her cuteness.
Dedoh - Jethro
Tchoo- Juice
Doo - Shoe/Foot/Toes
Go - this is pretty new, she actually says go
wawa - water
Puh - Up and Cup
Coh - Coat
Bah bah - Bye bye & Haaah - Hi...our girl has a southern accent
Hah -Hat
Hoh - Hot
Mo - More (and the sign)
She also - on command - barks like a dog, moos like a cow, toots like a train & quacks like a duck -- sort of.
As relieved as I am to hear that she is not officially "delayed" in her speech, I can't wait till she really says the words, and selfishly, I can't wait to hear her say "I love you". She give the best kisses and hugs, as it is, but to hear her say that? I know my heart will burst.
In other news, we have an appointment for her to see an Allergist on Friday...we'll see how that goes. Not looking forward to the scratch tests at all. Mother's Day was yesterday and it was awesome. C brought her in to wake me up, and really, what better way to wake up then to a beautiful smiling face saying Mama and giving hugs and wet kisses?? We went out to breakfast at our spot, Huxley's, I got a pedicure with Apryl, then it was off to the beach, Jethro included! It wasn't the smoothest trip but it was tons of fun and a perfect afternoon with my little family. We got home, I worked outside for a while on a couple beds that needed weeding and new flowers (Badly), and we had some cuddletime with the girl before bed. She was awfully gabby, and she has started to sing and dance too. She'll just go aaaah, aaaah, and move her arms and legs, or bob her head - seriously. I need video of it, because it's beyond cute / hysterical. It really was a perfect day!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Verbal explosion!
No, no, not verbal diarrhea or word vomit...I didn't stick my foot in my mouth (this time). But, shock of all shocks, this is about Alexandra.
All the sudden in the last week or so, she is talking so much more. It's like she's a little person or something! Here are some of the ridiculously adorable words she says:
Cracker
Ball
Bubble
Elmo (Well, Mo Mo -- SO freaking cute!)
Hot (and she touches everything while she says it)
Dexter ...maybe.. Susan said she did, anyways :)
Nana - for Banana
Coat
and... Mama - all over the place. I was so sad that she didn't say it for so long, and now it's all she says. And I love it. I don't think I could get sick of it, ever! But it's so funny.. I try really hard not to say no to her, because I dont want her to say it back... so if she starts to get the no sound going, I will completely distract her and redirect her focus to anything else. So she's started just yelling at me -- MaaahMaahh!! When she wants to tell me no. HYSTERICAL! But she has the cutest O- face when she's saying MoMo, Bubble (almost like bobo) and No. It's hard not to let her go for it....
As if she wasn't cute enough.
All the sudden in the last week or so, she is talking so much more. It's like she's a little person or something! Here are some of the ridiculously adorable words she says:
Cracker
Ball
Bubble
Elmo (Well, Mo Mo -- SO freaking cute!)
Hot (and she touches everything while she says it)
Dexter ...maybe.. Susan said she did, anyways :)
Nana - for Banana
Coat
and... Mama - all over the place. I was so sad that she didn't say it for so long, and now it's all she says. And I love it. I don't think I could get sick of it, ever! But it's so funny.. I try really hard not to say no to her, because I dont want her to say it back... so if she starts to get the no sound going, I will completely distract her and redirect her focus to anything else. So she's started just yelling at me -- MaaahMaahh!! When she wants to tell me no. HYSTERICAL! But she has the cutest O- face when she's saying MoMo, Bubble (almost like bobo) and No. It's hard not to let her go for it....
As if she wasn't cute enough.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
15 month stats
34.25 inches -- off the charts & the height of a 26-month-old. Yeah, she's her Daddy's daughter!
25lbs - about the 80th%ile.
75th% for her head circumference.
Perfect in every way! She's doing great verbally and all her physical stuff & developmental cues are on track!
She was so good in the appointment. Happy, giggly, talky, showing off her mad walking skills, pointing to her nose, mouth & ears on command... A rockstar. After the doc's exam, we were waiting for the nurse to come back for her 3 shots & she put my scarf on and was walking back and forth in the room. The scarf almost hit the ground & was touching her toes...she was looking down watching the scarf & ran SMACK into a little ledge in the wall.... Got a pretty good size goose egg right on the bridge of her nose/eye socket. Screaming ensued...and just as she sorta calmed down, the nurse came back in and gave her the 3 vaccinations... She was not happy.
Awesome mom of the year award goes to me, for watching her walk into the wall while I was taking pictures of how cute she looked walking around naked (diap only) with the scarf on to send to Daddy. I did get a really cute one though.....
See that little ledge behind her? That's the culprit.
Anyway, all is well in baby-land, and I guess I should really stop calling her a baby.
25lbs - about the 80th%ile.
75th% for her head circumference.
Perfect in every way! She's doing great verbally and all her physical stuff & developmental cues are on track!
She was so good in the appointment. Happy, giggly, talky, showing off her mad walking skills, pointing to her nose, mouth & ears on command... A rockstar. After the doc's exam, we were waiting for the nurse to come back for her 3 shots & she put my scarf on and was walking back and forth in the room. The scarf almost hit the ground & was touching her toes...she was looking down watching the scarf & ran SMACK into a little ledge in the wall.... Got a pretty good size goose egg right on the bridge of her nose/eye socket. Screaming ensued...and just as she sorta calmed down, the nurse came back in and gave her the 3 vaccinations... She was not happy.
Awesome mom of the year award goes to me, for watching her walk into the wall while I was taking pictures of how cute she looked walking around naked (diap only) with the scarf on to send to Daddy. I did get a really cute one though.....
Anyway, all is well in baby-land, and I guess I should really stop calling her a baby.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Mama!!
She FINALLY said Mama! I'm a week late, as she said it on Jan 6, but I had to make sure I recorded it somewhere. We were downstairs at breakfast time, I was getting her lunch ready for daycare & she was in her highchair and she just blurted out the sweetest sound ever...mama. I ran over to her and kissed her, said yes baby, I'm mama! And maybe I cried a little. It was perfect. And she's getting better and better at it, directing it at me, calling for me.... How did C not melt & gloat all this time that she's been saying Dada?! Little things like this make everything else worth it!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Part 3: November 18, 2009. Oh, baby!
November 18, 2009
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| 1:45am, Mama's ready to meet her baby! |
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| Last photo as a family of 2! |
So they checked, and within 2 hours I had gone from 4 to 9.5cm...just a 'lip' of the cervix left. Ew. I remember being grossed out by that image and terminology even then. Seriously?
The baby's heartbeat was suddenly dropping at every contraction, and they were worried about infection since it had been so long since my water had broken, so they pushed a bag of IV antibiotics into me as quickly as they could.
15 minutes later, the urge was even more intense, and suddenly a whole team of people swarmed in and were setting everything up - the bassinet/warmer, the table & tray with all the tools, the bed came down, and Dr. B walked in just as everything was set up. It was controlled chaos at its very definition.
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| Room is set and ready for baby! And the Plan for the Day says "Have a baby." |
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| Contractions were just a little strong at this point! |
Are you ready, Jen?
Oh yes. I really have to push.
At that moment, C came to the right side of my bed, grabbed my hand, and we looked so deeply into each other's eyes that I swear I saw his soul. And it was beautiful. He was so excited, so proud, so scared, so happy - and I loved him more in that moment than I ever had before.
Then I told him to grab the camera and make sure he had it ready. ha. Control freak.
I was suddenly calm and ready. My body took over, and knew what to do for me in that moment.
Dr. B said we'd take a practice push, just to get things moving. But I apparently didn't need practicing! I don't remember how many times I pushed (it was in sets of 3 - push, quick breath, push, quick breath, push, rest). But it wasn't a lot. C was right next to me, cheering me on quietly, looking down when he could finally see the head (props to him!), and holding my right hand in his left, my right leg in his right. The epi had left my right side completely useless, though I could feel my left side a bit.
About 20 minutes later, Dr. B said "This is it - one last push, Jen. Are you ready?"
PUSH.
Hold on, Jen. Stop pushing. The cord is wrapped around the baby's neck.
So scary. Like unbelievable, momentary panic. I looked down and saw her head - Dr. B tilted it back, pulled the cord off effortlessly (that's why the heart beat was dropping, it turns out), and told me one last time to push. It was 2:30 am, November 18, 2009.
And then she was here.
My perfect little baby girl.
And I loved her. Instantly and completely, I loved her.
Welcome to the world, little one.
She came out WAILING. Blood curdling, non-stop screams that even the nurses were surprised by! She was wiped down and plopped on my chest, still screaming. I shhhed her, said hello, told her happy birthday, and that I loved her. Chris cut the umbilical cord, and they took her away after a minute or two to weigh her and give her the initial Apgar tests.
I have to admit, pushing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. About 20 to 25 minutes or so... Even Dr. B was surprised at how quickly it all went, especially after all we'd been through in the previous 36 hours (almost to the minute, from water break to birth, actually!), and since it was my first child. I remember her joking - maybe next time you actually go into labor before your water breaks, huh? But my baby was finally ready, and nothing was going to stop her! After all that time, she was here!
I don't know why, but I was calm. I was emotional internally, I suppose, but I was just...peaceful. I wasn't scared, or in pain, or anything. I was just in such a state of bliss, and awe, and pure joy, that I was absolutely fine.
They asked us what her name was, and we both kind of just looked at each other. We knew what her middle name was going to be from the day we found out she was a girl - Josephine, after my grandmother who had died just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant. I knew she had a hand in it all, and we wanted to honor her. But for the baby's first name... Neither of us wanted to say it out loud....We were down to 2 names, and I think if one of us said the opposite of what the other one was thinking, we would have felt bad! But finally I said to Chris, Alexandra? He smiled, nodded, and kissed my head. And that was it. Alexandra Josephine was named. And she was ours.
She was 6lbs 15.7 oz, so they said she was 7lbs even and 20 inches long. The exact average size! But she was anything but average. She was perfect. We counted her fingers and toes a million times, just to make sure. I kissed her perfect lips and little cheeks, and teeny fingers over and over again. I rocked her, and probably said "Hi Allie! Hi baby! Hi Alexandra! It's Mommy! You're here! Happy Birth Day! I love you!" a hundred times. We looked at her deep blue eyes for the first time, and I never wanted to look away. It was amazing. I probably overuse that word, but I don't know how else to describe so many things about that day, about her, about how my entire world changed in a split second.
We waited a while to call our parents. We just basked in her beauty, in our love, and in the sheer craziness of what had just happened. All her tests came back fine, and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I don't remember much else about that morning - when we gave her a bath, what time I could finally get up (though I do remember having 2 nurses help me, in case I fell on the way to the bathroom since my epi was still sort of wearing off), what we said to our parents (we finally called about 4 or 4:30am)... I really don't have a clue. I think it's strange that I remember so much detail up until she is born, but once she's here I can't remember the order of stuff that happened. All I cared about was that she was here, she was perfect, and she was mine.
So that's the story of my little Allie's birth.
Nothing traumatic, just a long awaited arrival of a beautiful, perfect baby girl.
Mike even dubbed her "Alexandra the Late" for making us wait so long!
My family came later in the morning, about 9am, C's a little after noon for the first time. Both came back later that night, and C's brother Tim drove down around dinner time from MA. My best friend Amanda came after work- drove 2 hours one way just to sit and be with us for about 30 minutes. And that's why she is my best friend.
Thursday we had a few visitors - family, mostly, but it was a day of learning to diaper, bathe, nurse, swaddle, and just holding her, staring at her, taking pictures.... It's all a blur, really. I remember showering eventually. I don't remember if I ever slept. Thursday night, I sent C home to sleep - one of us needed to be rested! - and get Jethro from boarding so C could introduce Allie's scent to him before he met her.
And Friday, November 20, 2009 - my due date - it was time to go home!
She didn't pee until Friday morning, right before we left (um, plenty of poop. Gross.), and they were concerned... turns out it was because of the antibiotics they pushed right before she was born. She was a little jaundiced and her bilirubin levels were elevated, but it wasn't enough to have her go under the lights.
I brought a beautiful white footie pj type outfit for her to go home in - we expected her to be kind of big, but she was teeny, and she was swimming in the outfit. Her foot poked out of the crotch, in between two snaps, and C and I giggled hysterically. There were so many fits of giggles the first few days (in the middle of the night, one of us said 'whose baby is this?!' and we both lost it!) - out of nerves or exhaustion or whatever it was, we shared a lot of laughs. We went to the parenting exit class, had one more meeting with the lactation consultant, got our stuff together and left.
Our tiny peanut in her going home outfit
Just like that, we were on our own - how scary is that?! They let you take the baby with you!
It was a gorgeous day out. Simply beautiful. I sat in the back seat with Alexandra on the drive.....and then we were home. A new family of 4 (Jethro included, of course!). Scared, exhausted, but ready and totally in love, C and I started our parenthood journey.
Meeting her big brother for the first time.
And, as much as you hear this, I truly, truly can not believe it's been a year. That was the absolute fastest 365 days of my life.
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| Our first family photo, when she was about 6 hours old. |
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Part 2 - Nov. 17, 2009. Longest. Day. Ever.
We kept notes at the hospital so we would remember everything - the meds I got, the nurses we had, what time things happened....it's amazing to look at, to feel what I was feeling when I wrote it, and to remember details of A's birth (I even wrote down my room number! I never would have remembered that a week later, never mind a year or more!). So, onto the recap....warning, it's long. It was an even longer day, trust me.
Monday Nov. 16, 2009 (con't. -- I found more info in the notes that I forgot :) )
Got off the NST about 10:45 so I could walk the halls an try to get things started. We walked for about a half hour, and the contractions did start coming a little stronger. Not strong enough, though! We decided to postpone Pitocin and take a pill - misopropyl? Something like that... to get things really going.
Tuesday Nov. 17, 2009
Took half a pill of the Miso (as we call it... it's one of those cutsie/pukey things we say to each other all the time, and we found the name appropriate) and kept the monitors on. The meds did nothing for the contractions - they were sporadic and weak, but hey, I got some sleep finally! From 2:30 to 4 or so, I conked out, and C passed out on the oh-so-comfortable couch turned bed-type unit. Got up and walked a bit...but I was exhausted.
With no progress made from the Miso, our early morning visit with Dr. B resulted in me being told I was going on pitocin to really crank it up a notch. Fine with me! Give me the drugs! I thought this was it - I would meet my baby soon - so I had to look good for all the pictures! I showered, and even put on make up before I was hooked up to Pitocin at about 6:30am. They rolled me to my side to try to wake up the baby, who was snoozing away. But nothing happened, so they upped the dose around 7:15.
Then I was on my own for a bit. Chris left to get breakfast about 8am and I think he met up with my brother Mike and sister Sarah down in the cafeteria. As soon as my water had broken I had called them, and I think they both came home to CT Monday night, eagerly awaiting the birth of their niece. Mike might have come Tuesday afternoon.. I'm not sure. With Chris gone, I moved around from the bed to the rocker to the ball, but nothing really happened. I was starving at this point, and the doc let me eat graham crackers, jello, tea & apple juice.... you're not supposed to eat in case of an emergency c-section, but with how slow things were going, Dr. B wasn't concerned.
I read, cat napped, and tried everything I could to get the baby moving; I talked to her, sang to her, rubbed & poked my belly, squatted in hopes of having her fall out..... nothing worked.
Around 10:30am, my parents & sister came up to see me. When Dr. B came in at 10:55, contractions were close but not enough pain...
You're still smiling.
Yep. But I can see the contractions on the monitor. That's good, right? That means I'm getting close?
Sorry, Jen. When I come in and you're not smiling, then you'll be close.
(I had no idea how right she was.)
Let's lower the pitocin. Do you want pain meds?
No. I want to go as long as I can without an epidural or pain medication.
I kept switching positions - ball, pillows stacked on the bed & leaning my big pregnant ass out. In fact, I have a line in my notes that says "11:15, Chris takes video of my ass" HAHAHA. Love that I wrote that, and no, I have no idea what happened to that video. I barely remember that happening, except that we laughed hysterically about it! We took timeline pictures all day - me reading, on the ball, in the rocker... C kept documenting my face, the clock, the room getting messier and messier -- it's really interesting now to see how my expression changes as the day wears on.
2:15 - Stadol injection. Ok, so I didn't last that long w/o pain meds, I guess. But honestly, it did nothing for me. It made me dizzy and light headed, and I sat in the rocker and sorta dozed/dazed in and out for an hour or so. It took the pain from an 8 to a 6 or 7. Wow, that there's the good stuff, doc. haha.
2:30 - Exam time -- finally! They were few and far between because of the risk of infection, so I never knew if I was progressing or not. When we got to the hospital I was still at 1cm - and that's it. I was sure I was at least 6 or 7 cm at this point. I mean, it had been 24 hours since my water broke, I'd squatted & walked & there had to be something happening.
50% effaced, - 2 station, 3cm.
WHAT. That's it? How can I be in this much pain and there is nothing happening?
You're still smiling & joking, Jen. You're not in pain.
3:30 - second Stadol injection. Did absolute jack shit.
Aaaaand here it comes.
5:00 - Mike & Sarah come back to visit.
Oh boy, it's starting. I can still sorta joke with them, but man am I in pain. Like real pain now. I never should have complained earlier in the day. I'm switching positions like crazy, but eventually have to kick them out because it's just too much. Breathing, arching, squatting, ball, polar bear (they have some dumbass names for the positions..)
6:00 - Dr. B comes back in.
Nothing is happening. Your contractions are still every 2 mins or so, but they aren't strong enough. Want to take a pitocin break & walk around?
God yes. Get me off this thing and out of this room. I'm going nuts.
(And wtf, baby? Nice and cozy in there, eh? )
So I am taken off the pitocin, take a shower, sit on the ball in the shower, get dressed and try walking the halls again. I remember seeing a bag full of little knit hats on one of the bassinet units in the hall -- I asked a nurse about them, and apparently volunteers knit baby hats for new moms - they are all unique, and it was such a cool little touch.
8:30 - Back on my friend, Pitocin. But, good lord, does it do the trick this time. Apparently I just needed a break.
I wasn't smiling anymore!
By 9:00, I'm ready for the epidural. I waited as long as I could... I tried so hard to avoid it, went back and forth with the nurse about whether I really wanted it, but I could not deal with the pain. I was trying every position I could but I had started to go through transition, and was shaking at this point. Finally the anesthesiologist comes in.
And chats up Chris.
Doc - Who's reading that book?
C- I am.
Do you like it? I was thinking of getting it to read.
REALLY??? Small talk - right now?! Stick the damn needle in my back already doc, I'm dyin' over here! I was having trouble breathing through the contractions, doing everything I could remember from class, holding C's and Nurse Jen's hands way too tight, I'm sure...
I remember the look on C's face so clearly. He was so scared for me. He'd never seen me in any kind of pain before, and to see me laying on my side shaking, my jaw trembling, having to breathe so deeply to get through every contraction scared the shit out of him. But he was amazing. He told me I was doing a great job, breathed with me, told me I was almost there, never complained that I was squeezing too tight, and even made me smile through the most excruciating pain I'd ever known - that's some skill, right there, I tell ya. And that nurse, Jen? She was a saint. Nothing else comes close to describing her. All the nurses were awesome, but she was truly an angel.
10:30 - Heaven. In the form of a needle directly in my spine. Who knew? Ok, so epidural's kicking in, and after all that pain, I must be ready, right? I figured I had waited too long to even get the epi - I must be about ready to push..... right, Doc?
4 cm, 90% effaced, -1 station.
OH MY GOD. Come on, Baby!!!!
I slept for a bit maybe 11ishpm-1am on and off between people coming in, beeping, and everything else that goes on in a hospital, but woke up with the weirdest feeling around 1am.....
Monday Nov. 16, 2009 (con't. -- I found more info in the notes that I forgot :) )
Got off the NST about 10:45 so I could walk the halls an try to get things started. We walked for about a half hour, and the contractions did start coming a little stronger. Not strong enough, though! We decided to postpone Pitocin and take a pill - misopropyl? Something like that... to get things really going.
Tuesday Nov. 17, 2009
Took half a pill of the Miso (as we call it... it's one of those cutsie/pukey things we say to each other all the time, and we found the name appropriate) and kept the monitors on. The meds did nothing for the contractions - they were sporadic and weak, but hey, I got some sleep finally! From 2:30 to 4 or so, I conked out, and C passed out on the oh-so-comfortable couch turned bed-type unit. Got up and walked a bit...but I was exhausted.
With no progress made from the Miso, our early morning visit with Dr. B resulted in me being told I was going on pitocin to really crank it up a notch. Fine with me! Give me the drugs! I thought this was it - I would meet my baby soon - so I had to look good for all the pictures! I showered, and even put on make up before I was hooked up to Pitocin at about 6:30am. They rolled me to my side to try to wake up the baby, who was snoozing away. But nothing happened, so they upped the dose around 7:15.
Then I was on my own for a bit. Chris left to get breakfast about 8am and I think he met up with my brother Mike and sister Sarah down in the cafeteria. As soon as my water had broken I had called them, and I think they both came home to CT Monday night, eagerly awaiting the birth of their niece. Mike might have come Tuesday afternoon.. I'm not sure. With Chris gone, I moved around from the bed to the rocker to the ball, but nothing really happened. I was starving at this point, and the doc let me eat graham crackers, jello, tea & apple juice.... you're not supposed to eat in case of an emergency c-section, but with how slow things were going, Dr. B wasn't concerned.
I read, cat napped, and tried everything I could to get the baby moving; I talked to her, sang to her, rubbed & poked my belly, squatted in hopes of having her fall out..... nothing worked.
Around 10:30am, my parents & sister came up to see me. When Dr. B came in at 10:55, contractions were close but not enough pain...
You're still smiling.
Yep. But I can see the contractions on the monitor. That's good, right? That means I'm getting close?
Sorry, Jen. When I come in and you're not smiling, then you'll be close.
(I had no idea how right she was.)
Let's lower the pitocin. Do you want pain meds?
No. I want to go as long as I can without an epidural or pain medication.
I kept switching positions - ball, pillows stacked on the bed & leaning my big pregnant ass out. In fact, I have a line in my notes that says "11:15, Chris takes video of my ass" HAHAHA. Love that I wrote that, and no, I have no idea what happened to that video. I barely remember that happening, except that we laughed hysterically about it! We took timeline pictures all day - me reading, on the ball, in the rocker... C kept documenting my face, the clock, the room getting messier and messier -- it's really interesting now to see how my expression changes as the day wears on.
2:15 - Stadol injection. Ok, so I didn't last that long w/o pain meds, I guess. But honestly, it did nothing for me. It made me dizzy and light headed, and I sat in the rocker and sorta dozed/dazed in and out for an hour or so. It took the pain from an 8 to a 6 or 7. Wow, that there's the good stuff, doc. haha.
2:30 - Exam time -- finally! They were few and far between because of the risk of infection, so I never knew if I was progressing or not. When we got to the hospital I was still at 1cm - and that's it. I was sure I was at least 6 or 7 cm at this point. I mean, it had been 24 hours since my water broke, I'd squatted & walked & there had to be something happening.
50% effaced, - 2 station, 3cm.
WHAT. That's it? How can I be in this much pain and there is nothing happening?
You're still smiling & joking, Jen. You're not in pain.
3:30 - second Stadol injection. Did absolute jack shit.
Aaaaand here it comes.
5:00 - Mike & Sarah come back to visit.
Oh boy, it's starting. I can still sorta joke with them, but man am I in pain. Like real pain now. I never should have complained earlier in the day. I'm switching positions like crazy, but eventually have to kick them out because it's just too much. Breathing, arching, squatting, ball, polar bear (they have some dumbass names for the positions..)
6:00 - Dr. B comes back in.
Nothing is happening. Your contractions are still every 2 mins or so, but they aren't strong enough. Want to take a pitocin break & walk around?
God yes. Get me off this thing and out of this room. I'm going nuts.
(And wtf, baby? Nice and cozy in there, eh? )
So I am taken off the pitocin, take a shower, sit on the ball in the shower, get dressed and try walking the halls again. I remember seeing a bag full of little knit hats on one of the bassinet units in the hall -- I asked a nurse about them, and apparently volunteers knit baby hats for new moms - they are all unique, and it was such a cool little touch.
8:30 - Back on my friend, Pitocin. But, good lord, does it do the trick this time. Apparently I just needed a break.
I wasn't smiling anymore!
By 9:00, I'm ready for the epidural. I waited as long as I could... I tried so hard to avoid it, went back and forth with the nurse about whether I really wanted it, but I could not deal with the pain. I was trying every position I could but I had started to go through transition, and was shaking at this point. Finally the anesthesiologist comes in.
And chats up Chris.
Doc - Who's reading that book?
C- I am.
Do you like it? I was thinking of getting it to read.
REALLY??? Small talk - right now?! Stick the damn needle in my back already doc, I'm dyin' over here! I was having trouble breathing through the contractions, doing everything I could remember from class, holding C's and Nurse Jen's hands way too tight, I'm sure...
I remember the look on C's face so clearly. He was so scared for me. He'd never seen me in any kind of pain before, and to see me laying on my side shaking, my jaw trembling, having to breathe so deeply to get through every contraction scared the shit out of him. But he was amazing. He told me I was doing a great job, breathed with me, told me I was almost there, never complained that I was squeezing too tight, and even made me smile through the most excruciating pain I'd ever known - that's some skill, right there, I tell ya. And that nurse, Jen? She was a saint. Nothing else comes close to describing her. All the nurses were awesome, but she was truly an angel.
10:30 - Heaven. In the form of a needle directly in my spine. Who knew? Ok, so epidural's kicking in, and after all that pain, I must be ready, right? I figured I had waited too long to even get the epi - I must be about ready to push..... right, Doc?
4 cm, 90% effaced, -1 station.
OH MY GOD. Come on, Baby!!!!
I slept for a bit maybe 11ishpm-1am on and off between people coming in, beeping, and everything else that goes on in a hospital, but woke up with the weirdest feeling around 1am.....
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
It all started a year ago today....
One year ago today, Nov. 16th, 2009 I wrote:
Still here, still pregnant. 39 weeks, 3 days.... but on Friday I had progressed from a fingertip (1/2 cm on Monday) to ONE FULL CENTIMETER. wahoo. (sarcasm, people -I could stay that way for weeks). We'll see if all the old wives' tales of Mexican food, eggplant, sex, pineapple, walking and yardwork did anything at today's appointment.
I know I'm not overdue, and she really could just be cozy in there until Dec. 2. I just don't want to wait to meet her! As scared, nervous and anxious as we are, we are just ready. I think we both hit that point this weekend... we want her to be here so badly, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell her and to just stare at her. We are already so in love with this baby we've never met --- and we just want her to be here already! So, fingers crossed for more progress today...
This was before noon. (For some reason the time on this blog is screwed up and I have no idea what timezone it shoes up in) I wrote this in the morning, went out to lunch at noon, got a pedicure, came back to work, and at 2:30 pm, my water broke. Yes, at work. It was just about as awesome as you might expect.
I ran (ok, I waddled this weird, hoppy, twisty kind of wobbly walk/run. I'm sure I looked graceful and awesome) to the private single bathroom in the hallway instead of the main one with several stalls, and just sat there. I was freaking out and super excited and nervous and elated and scared and ready all at the same time. I wrapped up with TP and paper towels as good as I could, waddled back to the office and I called my OB first (sorry, C), and told the nurse. I had just been there on Friday, and they told me it could be a while, so they were just as surprised as I was. I said I was at work, but could drive myself. They said they'd rather have someone drive me.
So I walked into my dad's office...
My water just broke.
WHAT? (Simultaneous panic and giant grin spread across his face)
My water just broke, Dad. I'm going to call Chris and then it's time to go. Can you drive me? They won't let me drive myself. We just have to go to the doctor's office, not the hospital.
I went back to my desk and started straightening up, shutting down my computer, and dialing the phone. We had a code word that I had been waiting to use - Guatemala. I have no idea why, but that's what it was. If he wasn't at his desk, I was to have him paged and somehow incorporate that word. Luckily he answered.
Babe, you want to go to Guatemala? I was thinking we should go to Guatemala on vacation.
Shut up. Are you fucking kidding me? (we are so classy.)
No, I'm not fucking kidding you. My water just broke! (she says, at work, in a cubicle, with her dad now standing 3 feet away....again, classy lady here.) It's time to go. Dad is going to drive me to Dr. B's office -can you meet us there?
Yes. I'm leaving now. Oh my God. Really?
Yes, honey. We're going to go now, I'll talk to you soon.
And we hung up. Dad got his stuff ready to go and came back over to me. He had *just* bought a car the Friday before (this was Monday - so his car was a whopping 3 days old) and he, ever so eloquent and tactful says:
What are you going to sit on?
I have paper towels and a reusable canvas shopping bag. Your poor car, Dad. Really? That's what you're thinking about?!
We still have a good laugh about it to this day. Hysterical!
Down we went to his car, and up we drove to the doctor's office. They got me right in (I was soaked at this point. So comfortable), weighed me, and got me into a room. Dad waited in the waiting room for Chris to arrive, and all the while I could hear him talking to whoever was out there that his daughter was in labor and he was about to meet his first grandchild. He's a talker. When he's nervous he talks - and he was giddy as a school girl.
C finally got there (I guess there was NO parking - of course) and we exchanged a big smile, a huge hug, and a nervous 'holy shit' look. The doc came in, did the litmus test, confirmed that it was in fact my water (gee, thanks for the vote of confidence...but considering I had just been in on Friday with what I *thought* was a waterbreak, I guess I could have been wrong this time. But I knew I wasn't. There was no denying or mistaking what was going on). I was still leaking, but I had to have an NST, a non-stress test to make sure the baby's heartbeat was ok during contractions. Turned out I wasn't contracting that much - or they weren't very strong, anyways.
So, together with the doctor, we made the decision to go home, see how much I could progress on my own, shower, eat dinner, and call her about 8pm.
We went home and I called my mom and asked her to bring over Classico 4 cheese sauce and shady brook farms turkey meatballs. I wanted my 'last meal' to be pasta. How I-Ti of me. We took a picture right before we walked out the door to leave to capture the moment - our excitement, fear, my belly... I don't have access to it right now, but I will post it when I can.
Shower, cleaning & food later, I still wasn't really contracting. Doc said come in, we'll do a dose of something that should get things started. I thought I could labor at home a little longer, but the risk of infection goes up after the water breaks, so in we went. What an exhilarating and scary car ride that was. We parked, went into the ER entrance since it was so late (around 9 or so), and they brought us upstairs to the 3rd floor maternity wing. I refused the wheel chair at first, but C talked some sense into me. In the ER, we saw my dad's cousin. Totally random. I have no idea what she was doing there.
I was admitted, checked out, and Dr. B came by a short time later to say hi. Nothing else really happened that night..... So that was my Monday, November 16, 2009.
Still here, still pregnant. 39 weeks, 3 days.... but on Friday I had progressed from a fingertip (1/2 cm on Monday) to ONE FULL CENTIMETER. wahoo. (sarcasm, people -I could stay that way for weeks). We'll see if all the old wives' tales of Mexican food, eggplant, sex, pineapple, walking and yardwork did anything at today's appointment.
I know I'm not overdue, and she really could just be cozy in there until Dec. 2. I just don't want to wait to meet her! As scared, nervous and anxious as we are, we are just ready. I think we both hit that point this weekend... we want her to be here so badly, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell her and to just stare at her. We are already so in love with this baby we've never met --- and we just want her to be here already! So, fingers crossed for more progress today...
This was before noon. (For some reason the time on this blog is screwed up and I have no idea what timezone it shoes up in) I wrote this in the morning, went out to lunch at noon, got a pedicure, came back to work, and at 2:30 pm, my water broke. Yes, at work. It was just about as awesome as you might expect.
I ran (ok, I waddled this weird, hoppy, twisty kind of wobbly walk/run. I'm sure I looked graceful and awesome) to the private single bathroom in the hallway instead of the main one with several stalls, and just sat there. I was freaking out and super excited and nervous and elated and scared and ready all at the same time. I wrapped up with TP and paper towels as good as I could, waddled back to the office and I called my OB first (sorry, C), and told the nurse. I had just been there on Friday, and they told me it could be a while, so they were just as surprised as I was. I said I was at work, but could drive myself. They said they'd rather have someone drive me.
So I walked into my dad's office...
My water just broke.
WHAT? (Simultaneous panic and giant grin spread across his face)
My water just broke, Dad. I'm going to call Chris and then it's time to go. Can you drive me? They won't let me drive myself. We just have to go to the doctor's office, not the hospital.
I went back to my desk and started straightening up, shutting down my computer, and dialing the phone. We had a code word that I had been waiting to use - Guatemala. I have no idea why, but that's what it was. If he wasn't at his desk, I was to have him paged and somehow incorporate that word. Luckily he answered.
Babe, you want to go to Guatemala? I was thinking we should go to Guatemala on vacation.
Shut up. Are you fucking kidding me? (we are so classy.)
No, I'm not fucking kidding you. My water just broke! (she says, at work, in a cubicle, with her dad now standing 3 feet away....again, classy lady here.) It's time to go. Dad is going to drive me to Dr. B's office -can you meet us there?
Yes. I'm leaving now. Oh my God. Really?
Yes, honey. We're going to go now, I'll talk to you soon.
And we hung up. Dad got his stuff ready to go and came back over to me. He had *just* bought a car the Friday before (this was Monday - so his car was a whopping 3 days old) and he, ever so eloquent and tactful says:
What are you going to sit on?
I have paper towels and a reusable canvas shopping bag. Your poor car, Dad. Really? That's what you're thinking about?!
We still have a good laugh about it to this day. Hysterical!
Down we went to his car, and up we drove to the doctor's office. They got me right in (I was soaked at this point. So comfortable), weighed me, and got me into a room. Dad waited in the waiting room for Chris to arrive, and all the while I could hear him talking to whoever was out there that his daughter was in labor and he was about to meet his first grandchild. He's a talker. When he's nervous he talks - and he was giddy as a school girl.
C finally got there (I guess there was NO parking - of course) and we exchanged a big smile, a huge hug, and a nervous 'holy shit' look. The doc came in, did the litmus test, confirmed that it was in fact my water (gee, thanks for the vote of confidence...but considering I had just been in on Friday with what I *thought* was a waterbreak, I guess I could have been wrong this time. But I knew I wasn't. There was no denying or mistaking what was going on). I was still leaking, but I had to have an NST, a non-stress test to make sure the baby's heartbeat was ok during contractions. Turned out I wasn't contracting that much - or they weren't very strong, anyways.
So, together with the doctor, we made the decision to go home, see how much I could progress on my own, shower, eat dinner, and call her about 8pm.
We went home and I called my mom and asked her to bring over Classico 4 cheese sauce and shady brook farms turkey meatballs. I wanted my 'last meal' to be pasta. How I-Ti of me. We took a picture right before we walked out the door to leave to capture the moment - our excitement, fear, my belly... I don't have access to it right now, but I will post it when I can.
Shower, cleaning & food later, I still wasn't really contracting. Doc said come in, we'll do a dose of something that should get things started. I thought I could labor at home a little longer, but the risk of infection goes up after the water breaks, so in we went. What an exhilarating and scary car ride that was. We parked, went into the ER entrance since it was so late (around 9 or so), and they brought us upstairs to the 3rd floor maternity wing. I refused the wheel chair at first, but C talked some sense into me. In the ER, we saw my dad's cousin. Totally random. I have no idea what she was doing there.
I was admitted, checked out, and Dr. B came by a short time later to say hi. Nothing else really happened that night..... So that was my Monday, November 16, 2009.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
No words
I don't know what to say. I try to be comforting, or helpful, or a silly distraction, but what the hell do you say to a person who's husband has just died?? Yes, he passed away on Sunday Sept. 5th... Yesterday would have been their 3rd anniversary, and tomorrow is his funeral. What an awful week.
To me, it doesn't matter that I didn't know him personally - I have wept for her loss as if I knew him all my life. I can't imagine her grief, her sadness, confusion, anger....she shouldn't have to be dealing with any of those emotions. Again I say, not fair.
And I don't know what else to say. In this entry, to her, at all.
To me, it doesn't matter that I didn't know him personally - I have wept for her loss as if I knew him all my life. I can't imagine her grief, her sadness, confusion, anger....she shouldn't have to be dealing with any of those emotions. Again I say, not fair.
And I don't know what else to say. In this entry, to her, at all.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Not fair.
Sometimes, there is no other way to put it but to say life is not fair. Maybe it sounds like a childish tantrum, but it's true.
Right now, a friend is watching her husband fade away after a long, courageous battle with cancer. She's 31, and has to face a reality of a life without her partner. I can't fathom how she is feeling, and I hate that she is going through this. I feel useless, like I can't help her at all.......and I can only imagine that she feels the same way about not being able to do anything for him.
She's seen cancer steal his energy, his positive attitude, his body, and everything else that he used to be. I think she's handled it with more grace than I ever could. Yes, they've fought. Yes, she's been angry with him and with the world. Yes, she feels bitter and jaded and numb. But I can't blame her. She doesn't give herself enough credit for her strength & resilience. So she cries. Sometimes even breaks down completely. Big deal. Wouldn't you? She loves her husband, and is helplessly watching him die. What could be worse?
My friend, "sorry" seems beyond inadequate to tell you how I feel about what you are going through. You don't deserve this - to lose your husband, to be a widow, to have to make such hard decisions on your own. It's too fast, and too difficult, too painful, and just plain awful. But you are amazing. You have been his rock and his strength when he didn't have any of his own, his logic & level-head when he couldn't think straight, his fight when he wanted to give up, and his energy when he was too tired to get through the day. I bet you didn't even know you had that strength, fight & energy in you. I know you are exhausted, but you muster it up somehow because you love him. If that's not a testament to true love.... You have shown grace in a terrible situation, and while I know you won't take credit, you have kept him going in his battle.
No, her husband's fight is not about me. At all. I know that. But, right now, I'm on the outside looking in. Hearing small bits of info from her, and more details from another friend, and not being able to do anything to lift her burden or protect her from hurting.
So I am left to think about what I would do in her situation, and I honestly don't know. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't handle it with such dignity and poise as she is. I don't know how I'd get through it, how I'd be able to care for A without C, how I'd be able to explain to A where her daddy went... C and I have struggled so much this year - in our communication, our treatment of each other, our ability to forgive... Just last night I told him I had doubts about whether we would make it...Awful, I know. He was so hurt, and took it to mean that I didn't want to make it, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She shouldn't be an example, and I know wouldn't want to be seen as such, so this seems selfish even saying it... But seeing my friend go through this puts everything in perspective. I have C here. He is in control of his diabetes right now which means he is as healthy as he can be for now, and I have to work harder. At my attitude, at my response and reaction to him, at my temper and my mouth, at my contributions to our relationship, at being able to forgive, at being more flexible, at being appreciative and thankful, and at being a better friend and wife to him. Because if I were to lose him, I'd have too many regrets, too many things I'd look back on and hate myself for. I am lucky to have him here, right now, and that is the most important thing. Not whether he fed the baby overnight, or worked late, or didn't ask me how my day was. He's here.
I don't know how to end this post. So I'll just end it.
Right now, a friend is watching her husband fade away after a long, courageous battle with cancer. She's 31, and has to face a reality of a life without her partner. I can't fathom how she is feeling, and I hate that she is going through this. I feel useless, like I can't help her at all.......and I can only imagine that she feels the same way about not being able to do anything for him.
She's seen cancer steal his energy, his positive attitude, his body, and everything else that he used to be. I think she's handled it with more grace than I ever could. Yes, they've fought. Yes, she's been angry with him and with the world. Yes, she feels bitter and jaded and numb. But I can't blame her. She doesn't give herself enough credit for her strength & resilience. So she cries. Sometimes even breaks down completely. Big deal. Wouldn't you? She loves her husband, and is helplessly watching him die. What could be worse?
My friend, "sorry" seems beyond inadequate to tell you how I feel about what you are going through. You don't deserve this - to lose your husband, to be a widow, to have to make such hard decisions on your own. It's too fast, and too difficult, too painful, and just plain awful. But you are amazing. You have been his rock and his strength when he didn't have any of his own, his logic & level-head when he couldn't think straight, his fight when he wanted to give up, and his energy when he was too tired to get through the day. I bet you didn't even know you had that strength, fight & energy in you. I know you are exhausted, but you muster it up somehow because you love him. If that's not a testament to true love.... You have shown grace in a terrible situation, and while I know you won't take credit, you have kept him going in his battle.
No, her husband's fight is not about me. At all. I know that. But, right now, I'm on the outside looking in. Hearing small bits of info from her, and more details from another friend, and not being able to do anything to lift her burden or protect her from hurting.
So I am left to think about what I would do in her situation, and I honestly don't know. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't handle it with such dignity and poise as she is. I don't know how I'd get through it, how I'd be able to care for A without C, how I'd be able to explain to A where her daddy went... C and I have struggled so much this year - in our communication, our treatment of each other, our ability to forgive... Just last night I told him I had doubts about whether we would make it...Awful, I know. He was so hurt, and took it to mean that I didn't want to make it, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She shouldn't be an example, and I know wouldn't want to be seen as such, so this seems selfish even saying it... But seeing my friend go through this puts everything in perspective. I have C here. He is in control of his diabetes right now which means he is as healthy as he can be for now, and I have to work harder. At my attitude, at my response and reaction to him, at my temper and my mouth, at my contributions to our relationship, at being able to forgive, at being more flexible, at being appreciative and thankful, and at being a better friend and wife to him. Because if I were to lose him, I'd have too many regrets, too many things I'd look back on and hate myself for. I am lucky to have him here, right now, and that is the most important thing. Not whether he fed the baby overnight, or worked late, or didn't ask me how my day was. He's here.
I don't know how to end this post. So I'll just end it.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Happiness is...
....seeing A instantly light up with a smile and reach for me when I walk into a room
....an old friend fighting through heartbreak to finally meet her beautiful baby girl
....a nap in the warm sunshine
....having the baby sleep through the night
....finally breaking through at work and getting into a good flow
....friends getting together just because
....waking up to A's laughter over the monitor
....a good hair day.....ok, a day where my hair doesn't look like a chia pet
....1lb down on the scale
....puppy kisses
....hand holding
....clean sheets
....walking barefoot in the sand - but only if it's not too hot!
....seeing others who deserve happiness truly experience it
What else? I've been so reflective lately for some reason - both on what I should be grateful for and what I should let go of. Some of these seem cheesy, I know. But so much has happened recently that I think it's important to take stock sometimes, to notice small details, seemingly insignificant words, or tiny gestures that end up making a difference. Perspective is a gift, and when it shows up, I try to really, really pay attention.
....an old friend fighting through heartbreak to finally meet her beautiful baby girl
....a nap in the warm sunshine
....having the baby sleep through the night
....finally breaking through at work and getting into a good flow
....friends getting together just because
....waking up to A's laughter over the monitor
....a good hair day.....ok, a day where my hair doesn't look like a chia pet
....1lb down on the scale
....puppy kisses
....hand holding
....clean sheets
....walking barefoot in the sand - but only if it's not too hot!
....seeing others who deserve happiness truly experience it
What else? I've been so reflective lately for some reason - both on what I should be grateful for and what I should let go of. Some of these seem cheesy, I know. But so much has happened recently that I think it's important to take stock sometimes, to notice small details, seemingly insignificant words, or tiny gestures that end up making a difference. Perspective is a gift, and when it shows up, I try to really, really pay attention.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
She stands! And other odds & ends...
About 2 weeks ago, I turn and look and there is A, standing up in her Pack 'n' Play - STANDING, PEOPLE! So I grab the video camera and capture her doing it again :) Now she pulls up like a pro, on just about everything from your knees, to chairs, to the dog (who loves it, really...) and she's pretty darn steady, too! She'll even take a couple steps to the side while holding on in the PnP-- I can't believe how close she is to walking! We are in so much trouble with this one...
In baby other news, tubes are on the menu for our little baby. She's had so many ear infections over the past couple months, and the ENT at Yale agreed it was probably a good idea not to wait. I was worried about speech delays or hearing loss... and she's so young to get this many infections, so we bit the bullet and scheduled surgery for Sept. 7th. Logically I know it's a routine, 5 minute procedure and she'll be fine. But the thought of my baby under anesthesia, with a knife in her ear, does not sit well with me... Ugh.
Can't believe she's almost 9 months old. I've been really nostalgic lately and getting a little teary that my baby isn't so much a baby anymore. She's saying Da Da, Ba Ba, Ra Ra and every once in a while we get an "L" by accident. No Mama yet, but hopefully soon - I can't wait to hear that come out of her mouth. She'll get whatever she wants if she just says "mama" first! Luckily she's not associating Dada with C yet, so I'm not too jealous :) She's wearing 18month clothes (and even bigger sometimes!) because she's so tall - 30 inches and probably 22lbs by now! That's 10 inches and 15 lbs in 9 months - Insane! I'm so torn - if I could go back to see her littler again, I would... but if I could freeze time and have her snuggle on me every day like she does today, I would...but if I could fast forward to hear her talk and see her walk, I would... I can't believe how fast this is all passing by, and I miss her during the day when I'm at work. I feel like I miss so much, and she deserves more time with mommy & daddy. But the daycare people are great, and she thrives there.
She is amazing - truly, truly amazing. I adore her. I was so scared about how fast we got pregnant, so nervous about what it would mean to my life as it was, to our relationship, etc. And everything has changed without a doubt. But I would never, ever wish for a day without her. I didn't know it until she was here, and no one can prepare you for the love you have for your child, but I was meant to be her mommy. She has turned my universe upside down in the most magical ways, and I couldn't ever imagine living in a world without seeing her smile, hearing her giggle, feeling her cuddles and her soft hand holding mine, gazing into her amazing blue eyes, and just drinking in her beauty and her love every single day.
I love you, little girl. More than I'll ever be able to explain to you in words or hugs or kisses.
In baby other news, tubes are on the menu for our little baby. She's had so many ear infections over the past couple months, and the ENT at Yale agreed it was probably a good idea not to wait. I was worried about speech delays or hearing loss... and she's so young to get this many infections, so we bit the bullet and scheduled surgery for Sept. 7th. Logically I know it's a routine, 5 minute procedure and she'll be fine. But the thought of my baby under anesthesia, with a knife in her ear, does not sit well with me... Ugh.
Can't believe she's almost 9 months old. I've been really nostalgic lately and getting a little teary that my baby isn't so much a baby anymore. She's saying Da Da, Ba Ba, Ra Ra and every once in a while we get an "L" by accident. No Mama yet, but hopefully soon - I can't wait to hear that come out of her mouth. She'll get whatever she wants if she just says "mama" first! Luckily she's not associating Dada with C yet, so I'm not too jealous :) She's wearing 18month clothes (and even bigger sometimes!) because she's so tall - 30 inches and probably 22lbs by now! That's 10 inches and 15 lbs in 9 months - Insane! I'm so torn - if I could go back to see her littler again, I would... but if I could freeze time and have her snuggle on me every day like she does today, I would...but if I could fast forward to hear her talk and see her walk, I would... I can't believe how fast this is all passing by, and I miss her during the day when I'm at work. I feel like I miss so much, and she deserves more time with mommy & daddy. But the daycare people are great, and she thrives there.
She is amazing - truly, truly amazing. I adore her. I was so scared about how fast we got pregnant, so nervous about what it would mean to my life as it was, to our relationship, etc. And everything has changed without a doubt. But I would never, ever wish for a day without her. I didn't know it until she was here, and no one can prepare you for the love you have for your child, but I was meant to be her mommy. She has turned my universe upside down in the most magical ways, and I couldn't ever imagine living in a world without seeing her smile, hearing her giggle, feeling her cuddles and her soft hand holding mine, gazing into her amazing blue eyes, and just drinking in her beauty and her love every single day.
I love you, little girl. More than I'll ever be able to explain to you in words or hugs or kisses.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
We survived!
But barely! The baptism was chaos - 5 babies being baptized, one of whom screamed bloody murder the entire time, and everyone had family and friends there. Chaos and craziness. Then came the party with nearly 50 people at our house....
But let me back up and tell you about my fight(s) with the priest.
We didn't research parishes to find one we liked or try Episcopal churches to see if we wanted to switch during pregnancy. So we decided to baptize A in a Catholic church, one that has meaning to my family. We had to join the church, which is easy enough... but choosing Godparents is apparently a very big deal, and comes under strict scrutiny from the church. Godmother - no problem. Active member in her parish, got the paperwork signed, sealed (literally - notarized) and delivered in time. Godfather - not so easy. Moved recently, married an Episcopal woman, and apparently we chose poorly because of these reasons.
At our baptism "class" the priest challenged us as to why we would want someone who is not practicing as her Godfather. I got uppity and said "because he's an important part of our lives and will be an important part of hers." C got uppity and said he was a choir boy for 15 years and just got married at such and such church... not quite enough reason for him, but it shut him up for a minute. THEN I had to bring the paper work before the ceremony and he proceeded to tell me that because our Godfather did not marry a Catholic person, he is not fit to be a Godfather...only a "witness" according to Church Canons. I didn't know if their wedding was 'sanctioned' or whatever by the Diocese. He said if it wasn't, it was not valid in the eyes of the church and he couldn't be A's sponsor. Really?! I was like, are.you.kidding.me???!? And I said that. I was HEATED. I told him it was confusing, frustrating, and this is the reason young people don't return to the church. I asked him if he was telling me that Episcopal women were bad people or bad influences on Catholics. I told him that our choice was a good Christian man, had always gone to church, would be a positive influence on the baby, and that was what was important to us in choosing a Godfather. That didn't seem to matter to him. I left in a huff.
Turns out his wedding WAS sanctioned/blessed by the church, so it was all for naught, but still. How antiquated is that crap? We joked about it with him and his wife, but whatever. I doubt we'll be going back to that church, family history or not. Ugh.
Moral of the story - A is baptized in Christ. Amen.
Then we all went back to our house and ate. And ate. And ate. Lots of food (I was so worried there wouldn't be enough... I forgot how little children actually eat, so there are left overs galore). We moved tons of furniture out, tables & chairs in, and somehow fit everyone in the house. Thankfully it was a beautiful day, so the 10+ kids went down to the park to play and played out in the back yard as well.
Up at 4am to put meatballs in crockpots & decorate a cake that looked more like a plus sign than a cross, church at 10, entertaining from noon to 5pm, cleaning till 8, and CRASHED after that.
But A was an angel. She was so peaceful & calm all day - throughout church, with water being poured over her head, being passed around at the house... we really are lucky that she is such a good baby. I'm glad she got to meet people she hadn't met before, be the center of attention for the day, and was on such good behavior. Love my little nugget!
Allie,
Daddy and I aren't the most religious people, but we do believe in God. And we want you to grow up with faith and to know that God loves you. We will find a way to bring Him into our lives, I promise. Just because we don't go to church every weekend doesn't make us bad people or bad Christians. We love our neighbors, treat others as we wish to be treated, and pray for those we love and the world around us.
Your Godparents love you, and they will be there to help you be faithful when we aren't. Depend on them when you need to. But never be afraid to question things you do not agree with or understand. Yes, some things just "are" - whether there's an explanation or not - but we want you to learn to think for yourself, to be critical and inquisitive. Not everything the church (or government, or schools, or...) says is right. And that's ok. You can disagree while still respecting the premise, the fundamentals, the roots. That is what makes a person a good Christian - respect, love, honesty, faith, and heart. Not rigidity, formality, and closed-mindedness.
If we can instill that in you, we will have done our jobs.
Love you always,
Mommy & Daddy
But let me back up and tell you about my fight(s) with the priest.
We didn't research parishes to find one we liked or try Episcopal churches to see if we wanted to switch during pregnancy. So we decided to baptize A in a Catholic church, one that has meaning to my family. We had to join the church, which is easy enough... but choosing Godparents is apparently a very big deal, and comes under strict scrutiny from the church. Godmother - no problem. Active member in her parish, got the paperwork signed, sealed (literally - notarized) and delivered in time. Godfather - not so easy. Moved recently, married an Episcopal woman, and apparently we chose poorly because of these reasons.
At our baptism "class" the priest challenged us as to why we would want someone who is not practicing as her Godfather. I got uppity and said "because he's an important part of our lives and will be an important part of hers." C got uppity and said he was a choir boy for 15 years and just got married at such and such church... not quite enough reason for him, but it shut him up for a minute. THEN I had to bring the paper work before the ceremony and he proceeded to tell me that because our Godfather did not marry a Catholic person, he is not fit to be a Godfather...only a "witness" according to Church Canons. I didn't know if their wedding was 'sanctioned' or whatever by the Diocese. He said if it wasn't, it was not valid in the eyes of the church and he couldn't be A's sponsor. Really?! I was like, are.you.kidding.me???!? And I said that. I was HEATED. I told him it was confusing, frustrating, and this is the reason young people don't return to the church. I asked him if he was telling me that Episcopal women were bad people or bad influences on Catholics. I told him that our choice was a good Christian man, had always gone to church, would be a positive influence on the baby, and that was what was important to us in choosing a Godfather. That didn't seem to matter to him. I left in a huff.
Turns out his wedding WAS sanctioned/blessed by the church, so it was all for naught, but still. How antiquated is that crap? We joked about it with him and his wife, but whatever. I doubt we'll be going back to that church, family history or not. Ugh.
Moral of the story - A is baptized in Christ. Amen.
Then we all went back to our house and ate. And ate. And ate. Lots of food (I was so worried there wouldn't be enough... I forgot how little children actually eat, so there are left overs galore). We moved tons of furniture out, tables & chairs in, and somehow fit everyone in the house. Thankfully it was a beautiful day, so the 10+ kids went down to the park to play and played out in the back yard as well.
Up at 4am to put meatballs in crockpots & decorate a cake that looked more like a plus sign than a cross, church at 10, entertaining from noon to 5pm, cleaning till 8, and CRASHED after that.
But A was an angel. She was so peaceful & calm all day - throughout church, with water being poured over her head, being passed around at the house... we really are lucky that she is such a good baby. I'm glad she got to meet people she hadn't met before, be the center of attention for the day, and was on such good behavior. Love my little nugget!
Allie,
Daddy and I aren't the most religious people, but we do believe in God. And we want you to grow up with faith and to know that God loves you. We will find a way to bring Him into our lives, I promise. Just because we don't go to church every weekend doesn't make us bad people or bad Christians. We love our neighbors, treat others as we wish to be treated, and pray for those we love and the world around us.
Your Godparents love you, and they will be there to help you be faithful when we aren't. Depend on them when you need to. But never be afraid to question things you do not agree with or understand. Yes, some things just "are" - whether there's an explanation or not - but we want you to learn to think for yourself, to be critical and inquisitive. Not everything the church (or government, or schools, or...) says is right. And that's ok. You can disagree while still respecting the premise, the fundamentals, the roots. That is what makes a person a good Christian - respect, love, honesty, faith, and heart. Not rigidity, formality, and closed-mindedness.
If we can instill that in you, we will have done our jobs.
Love you always,
Mommy & Daddy
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