Auntie Carol

Today, my Aunt Carol will die from breast cancer.  Its been a long battle, and much of what could go wrong has. She was too disabled by treatments to work and lost her job of 25 years & healthcare coverage... She got terribly depressed and basically became a shut in... My grandmother died, and put her further into a depression... My cousin has been ill this whole time as well. She thought she was in remission, and a doctor told her that the rash she had was just from radiation, when in fact it was breast cancer cells that had spread and manifested on the skin... And that was basically the beginning of the end.

She went into the hospital in September with awful swelling, and it turns out her kidneys had shut down. She was saved with a shunt, but was told she didn't have much time - that the cancer had taken over. She's been in a nursing home in hospice care since then, and we've all had a chance to say our goodbyes, make peace with the situation.

In the last week or so, she's gone way down hill, very quickly. My cousin Keith & my dad just got the call that she has become unresponsive, and likely won't make it through the end of the day. So they are going there to be by her side and together.

She's an amazing lady. We didn't have the cutesy aunt-neice relationship. She was always no-bullshit with me, treated me like a friend, and I respected her for it. When she pulled back from everyone - from life really - I let her...called now and then but I didn't push her...until she went into the hospital I hadn't see her since Christmas 2009!

I got to tell her I loved her a million times, held her hand, told her stories, listened to hers, brought Allie to see her when she was with it enough to interact. I told her I was sorry that it had been so long -- that I felt like a shitty niece, that I could have pushed, banged on her door... she told me it was better this way. I told her I wasn't asking for forgiveness and she - ever the wiseass - waved her hand in the sign of the cross like a priest and said "I absolve you." Cracking jokes till the end. That's Auntie Carol, and that's why I love her.

So I don't have any regrets. I said goodbye many times over the past few weeks, but the imminent-ness of this is hitting me much harder than I thought it would...

Auntie Carol - your strength, your grit, and your resolve through all the shit that life has thrown at you are inspirational. Maybe you weren't always graceful in how you handled things, but you handled them the way that YOU wanted to, at no one else's direction and on no one's terms but your own. For that, I will forever admire you and be grateful for your example of true strength. I wish you a painless, calm, peaceful and love-filled passing...Tell Gramma I said hello, watch over our family, and come visit whenever you want.

I love you.

Catch up

Well, the tonsils are out. Very quick surgery, but all the stuff I read online about adult recovery has been true so far. Even the doc said it's a very predictable recovery...and not a fun one. Surgery was last Wed, 8/24 and every day since has gotten progressively more painful. I've lost about 7lbs, so hey - there's a silver lining in there somewhere. But I can basically only eat applesauce, popsicles & jello. Not to mention Hurricane Irene came through on Sunday... just when the scabs & pain got worse, so not having ready access to ice for the 19hours the power was out was awful. We are lucky to have our power back -- much of the state does not yet, including my parents!

I can't wait for vacation. Leaving on Saturday for a week up in Maine at the beach. C has been travelling on a new work project for 3 weeks, and wasn't even home for the surgery (mom & sis stayed with me to help with A & bring me ice chips). He needs this vacation so badly -- between travel to Jacksonville & Detroit, multiple delayed and cancelled flights that kept him away over weekends, he is stressed and exhausted. Luckily he's home this week, but is flying out the day after we get home from ME. Awesome for his career, exposure, experience and all that jazz...but selfishly, I miss him, and its really tiring doing everything on my own here! He's gotten a taste of it for the last couple days, since I've been pretty useless as far as home/child/dog care have gone... the pain meds knock me out, I am not supposed to lift A, though I have, and I'm in too much pain to talk much, so he's borne the brunt of it all. Fair is fair :)

Other than that.....nada mas. Just looking forward to eating real food, napping on the beach & getting some sun next week!

Anniversary!

9 Years. C and I have been together for NINE years. Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary - otherwise known as the greatest party EVER! I know he'll never read this, but I didn't want to let the day pass without acknowledging all we've been through... through good and bad...really amazing and really awful... C is the best partner, friend and husband I could imagine or ever ask for. We are a perfect team, and I realize each and every day how lucky I am to have found someone to love me back as much as I love him. We praise each other for our strengths, and forgive our faults. We provide optimism when the other can only see negativity. We laugh at each other and ourselves and we allow each other to cry freely. Yes, we argue, and yes, we've been through a rough patch or two, but unwavering love, trust and support are never in doubt, even through the darkest days.

Chris, my love, thank you. Thank you for loving me, for putting up with me, for always making me laugh and see the bright side of things. Thank you for working so hard so that we can enjoy our incredible & blessed life. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and father. It takes my breath away every day to see you with Alexandra, and I fall in love with you all over again and again.

I love you with everything that I am, and I can't wait to see what the coming year brings for us. Happy anniversary.