Auntie Carol

Today, my Aunt Carol will die from breast cancer.  Its been a long battle, and much of what could go wrong has. She was too disabled by treatments to work and lost her job of 25 years & healthcare coverage... She got terribly depressed and basically became a shut in... My grandmother died, and put her further into a depression... My cousin has been ill this whole time as well. She thought she was in remission, and a doctor told her that the rash she had was just from radiation, when in fact it was breast cancer cells that had spread and manifested on the skin... And that was basically the beginning of the end.

She went into the hospital in September with awful swelling, and it turns out her kidneys had shut down. She was saved with a shunt, but was told she didn't have much time - that the cancer had taken over. She's been in a nursing home in hospice care since then, and we've all had a chance to say our goodbyes, make peace with the situation.

In the last week or so, she's gone way down hill, very quickly. My cousin Keith & my dad just got the call that she has become unresponsive, and likely won't make it through the end of the day. So they are going there to be by her side and together.

She's an amazing lady. We didn't have the cutesy aunt-neice relationship. She was always no-bullshit with me, treated me like a friend, and I respected her for it. When she pulled back from everyone - from life really - I let her...called now and then but I didn't push her...until she went into the hospital I hadn't see her since Christmas 2009!

I got to tell her I loved her a million times, held her hand, told her stories, listened to hers, brought Allie to see her when she was with it enough to interact. I told her I was sorry that it had been so long -- that I felt like a shitty niece, that I could have pushed, banged on her door... she told me it was better this way. I told her I wasn't asking for forgiveness and she - ever the wiseass - waved her hand in the sign of the cross like a priest and said "I absolve you." Cracking jokes till the end. That's Auntie Carol, and that's why I love her.

So I don't have any regrets. I said goodbye many times over the past few weeks, but the imminent-ness of this is hitting me much harder than I thought it would...

Auntie Carol - your strength, your grit, and your resolve through all the shit that life has thrown at you are inspirational. Maybe you weren't always graceful in how you handled things, but you handled them the way that YOU wanted to, at no one else's direction and on no one's terms but your own. For that, I will forever admire you and be grateful for your example of true strength. I wish you a painless, calm, peaceful and love-filled passing...Tell Gramma I said hello, watch over our family, and come visit whenever you want.

I love you.

Catch up

Well, the tonsils are out. Very quick surgery, but all the stuff I read online about adult recovery has been true so far. Even the doc said it's a very predictable recovery...and not a fun one. Surgery was last Wed, 8/24 and every day since has gotten progressively more painful. I've lost about 7lbs, so hey - there's a silver lining in there somewhere. But I can basically only eat applesauce, popsicles & jello. Not to mention Hurricane Irene came through on Sunday... just when the scabs & pain got worse, so not having ready access to ice for the 19hours the power was out was awful. We are lucky to have our power back -- much of the state does not yet, including my parents!

I can't wait for vacation. Leaving on Saturday for a week up in Maine at the beach. C has been travelling on a new work project for 3 weeks, and wasn't even home for the surgery (mom & sis stayed with me to help with A & bring me ice chips). He needs this vacation so badly -- between travel to Jacksonville & Detroit, multiple delayed and cancelled flights that kept him away over weekends, he is stressed and exhausted. Luckily he's home this week, but is flying out the day after we get home from ME. Awesome for his career, exposure, experience and all that jazz...but selfishly, I miss him, and its really tiring doing everything on my own here! He's gotten a taste of it for the last couple days, since I've been pretty useless as far as home/child/dog care have gone... the pain meds knock me out, I am not supposed to lift A, though I have, and I'm in too much pain to talk much, so he's borne the brunt of it all. Fair is fair :)

Other than that.....nada mas. Just looking forward to eating real food, napping on the beach & getting some sun next week!

Anniversary!

9 Years. C and I have been together for NINE years. Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary - otherwise known as the greatest party EVER! I know he'll never read this, but I didn't want to let the day pass without acknowledging all we've been through... through good and bad...really amazing and really awful... C is the best partner, friend and husband I could imagine or ever ask for. We are a perfect team, and I realize each and every day how lucky I am to have found someone to love me back as much as I love him. We praise each other for our strengths, and forgive our faults. We provide optimism when the other can only see negativity. We laugh at each other and ourselves and we allow each other to cry freely. Yes, we argue, and yes, we've been through a rough patch or two, but unwavering love, trust and support are never in doubt, even through the darkest days.

Chris, my love, thank you. Thank you for loving me, for putting up with me, for always making me laugh and see the bright side of things. Thank you for working so hard so that we can enjoy our incredible & blessed life. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and father. It takes my breath away every day to see you with Alexandra, and I fall in love with you all over again and again.

I love you with everything that I am, and I can't wait to see what the coming year brings for us. Happy anniversary.

Boring.

My blog is boring. I know that. But it is not nearly as boring as another blog I read today. Totally self absorbed, like everyone who read it wanted to know every detail of her life down to how many cups of kale she ate at lunch. So I feel better about my - boring, Allie-centric, not nearly as funny as I think it is, never updated, no one reads it - blog. :)

Garden is a'bloomin'. We have about 10 each for zucchinis & tomatoes, lettuce & spinach need to be cut for a second time, peppers have little tiny buds, and our weakling strawberries actually have a few new fruit on them. A new space has proven really great growing grounds for the veggies - the zuke leaves are ENORMOUS and the garden as a whole looks like the amazon. We are paying more attention to working on other beds, taking out more plants that the previous owner over planted, or that are just plain ugly, and revamping non-veggie garden beds. We had 7 yards of mulch delivered & C has been hard at work on tackling that.

Tonight I golf. I'm a sub in a league my co-worker is in, and they finally asked me with more than 2 hours notice. I'm excited & nervous, because I was grouped with 2 women who are REAL golfers. It is a pretty chill league, but I'm awful. Most people are there to have fun, but I worry that I'll just slow these women down. Oh well, they can deal with me for 2 hours. I'll try to keep my temper at a minimum & not swear too much at myself. Last time my role was to make everyone feel better about their own game. Sad. haha.

My college & after college in DC roommate got engaged. How do I know? Because a good friend sent me a wonderfully snarky comment about it on facebook (no, roommate and I are not FB friends). I am happy for her,  honest. She deserves to be happy, she's not a MEAN person. We were fine roommates because after a while we just didn't deal with each other haha. And I kinda didn't know if she'd find someone that could deal with her idiosyncracies and habits. Or her whiney voice. Also? This chick has a weird, way-too-close relationship with her family, especially her brother. When I told C she was engaged, he actually asked "to her brother?" HAHAHAHA. Then he said he was surprised she found someone who could deal with her leaving poop in the toilet. Thanks for the reminder, I had blocked that special part of living with her out. My mom called her the nun because she dresses so conservatively/prudely/whatever you want to call it. Not that I'm flashy or fashionable at all, but I only own 1 cardigan, not one for every day of the month. Just sayin'. Though I did FB stalk her, and she looks good, so good for her. I even sent her a note congratulating her and she wrote a very formal thank you note back expressing how extremely happy this guy and her are. Good, I hope so - you are marrying him!

Anyway.

Surgery is scheduled for Aug 24. Oncologist gave me the go ahead, calmed my fears & said it's more likely that I can't recover & am getting sick more frequently because I don't have a spleen - not because I'm on some path to cancer. Though  he called the ENT while I was there and told him to biopsy the tonsils and test for lymphoma, because it can be isolated to one specific area/lymph  node. I love my doctor. If nothing else, I know I'm in good hands if I ever (God forbid) do get the big C diagnosis. So, cut out the tonsils, let me sleep for 10 days at home & then go to the beach for a week. If I could skip over the bleeding from my mouth for a week and having to rely on my Mom and just head to the beach, I would. I know C can handle A while I'm out of commission....I just hope he and my mom don't butt heads. They never do, but they've also never lived under the same roof for any amount of time. Fun times ahead! At least I'll be drugged for it :)

Really, body?

Williamsburg was great. Started out not so good... on the drive down I said "I have a sore throat, I hope this doesn't turn into anything" and within 2 hours I couldn't swallow, was sick to my stomach, sweating and shaking with chills at the same time, had a huge headache and could barely walk. 102.6 fever...tonsillitis plus whatever. Strep & mono: negative (yes, I went to the walk-in clinic on vacation and talked to a gigantic, panting male PA about diahrrea and cold sweats - every girl's dream). I was told I had "big, honkin', angry tonsils." Antibiotics helped, and by Sunday I was able to participate in vacation with my family. We actually had a great time - saw Yorktown, Jamestown Settlement & Colonial Williamsburg - A did really well, loved the pool, didn't have huge public meltdowns (but HATED the aquarium at VA Beach we drove to)...her only issue was sleeping - strange place, strange bed, and as much as we tried it was nearly impossible to keep her schedule & foods the same. Oh well... it was fun, and good to see C relax a bit. He needed it.

Made an appointment with the ENT when I got home - this was my 4th or 5th tonsillitis case since October, plus with the PET scan lighting up, and the progression of symptoms from throat only to fever, chills, stomach upset & feeling like I was hit by a truck, it was time to figure out what was going on. Well, ENT said what I suspected - they have to come out. There's no magic pill, and he doesn't think they are actually getting healthy with antibiotics...I feel better for a while, but they are diseased and the only way to not get sick over and over again is to not have them in.

So I have to have my tonsils out. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of life, I know... the recovery as an adult apparently sucks (2 weeks laid up with bleeding & fever risks), but I can deal. It's the future implications that I'm worried about.

My immune system is rebelling against me.


- I had to have my spleen out a few years ago because of a benign tumor.

- I have been diagnosed with Sjogren's syndrome.. luckily most of my symptoms of this are more annoying than debilitating, but I don't like that my body is attacking itself and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

- A long time ago, I gave blood, and got a note back that I had antibodies to HTLV - human lymphotropic t cell carcinoma. not that it WAS cancer, but that I haz some blood issues related to it.

- I have enlarged lymph nodes behind my sternum and my stomach (lymph node adenopathy) and underwent CTscans, a PET and a bone marrow biopsy last fall to rule out a host of things, mostly lymphoma. Though it's nice to hear "it's not cancer..." test results being borderline are not exactly comforting, especially when the next words out of your oncologist's mouth are "...yet."

- The tonsils are another part of the immune system, and without them I am freaking out that I have one less defense, and am one step closer to whatever lymphoma is down the line for me.
 
I mean, I know it's not a death sentence and there are people who have it worse. And I know there are over 30 types of lymphoma. And I know most are very treatable. But things start adding up. It's not like Dr. F said I could fire him, tests were fine, I need no follow-up. I need to see him every 6 months and continue to have CT scans to monitor the lymph nodes. With one more part of my immune system being taken away from me, I am really starting to worry....what's next? When will the cancer show up? Is it inevitable?  What else is going on in my body that is causing all these seemingly unrelated things?
 
So I had a minor freak out this morning, here at work, at my desk. I tried calling C, he didn't answer. So, I made an appointment with Dr. F for before the tonsillectomy. I don't even know if he is the right doctor to see. I don't know the effects on your  health when you don't have tonsils...especially when you already have a compromised immune system. I just want to ask him how all these things are related, what the sum total says to him, if anything, and what it means for the future. I hope he has some answers or can direct me to another doc (rheum? endo? immunologist? does that last one even exist?) if he doesn't........
 
I know it's dramatic, but it's hard not to let your mind wander... is my body shutting down? how long until those borderline tests are more definitive? am I gonna see my baby graduate high school? Ok, maybe that last one is a bit much, but you know I thought it.
 
Hmph.

Countdown to Thursday.....

Thursday can't come soon enough. C is working like a dog, I'm having a helluva week/month/year with a particular client, and we are finally getting outta here on Thurs night. Technically vacation doesn't start till Friday, but we're driving the 4 hours to Delaware for a stopover Thursday night, then on to Williamsburg, VA from Fri to Fri. I'm the first to tell you that if you want to know what the weather is, look outside because the weather men are SO unreliable...but right now, the 10 day forecast looks beautiful - mid 80s and sunny! Let's hope I didn't just jinx that........

Nothing particular planned so far. We'll hit up Colonial Williamsburg one day, Jamestown & Yorktown, maybe Virgina Beach, Norfolk...or sit at the pools :) Either way, we'll be at the mercy of A's schedule, so it'll hopefully be pretty relaxing and low key days. And clearly there won't be any late partying nights since she's in bed by 8! I'm SO looking forward to this - even the drive. Just the 3 of us, doing whatever we want, hanging out. Have to get through the next 2 days at work, pack at night, clean up the house a bit... and then cram everything into a rental car and get the heck outta dodge. Thank GOD.

Adventures in Toddlerhood.

So today was a very exciting day! We had a doc's appointment for A at 11 - she has a sinus infection, hence the 2 week+ cough and chest rattling. While we were there, still in the waiting room, she tripped, fell and went head first into the seat of a chair. Just a few minutes of screaming, but you could see the bridge of her nose swelling up, and her top lip getting fat & a little bloody. My poor baby! She was fine, nothing broken & we made it through the appointment without further incident. Let's hope she doesn't have two shiners tomorrow morning!

We came home for the day, but took a trip to our fave place ever - Walmart - later in the afternoon. While we were there, I just happened to see Elmo toilet seats for potty training & picked two up. She's started telling us when she's already peed by grabbing her crotch and whispering puh puh, so I figured what the heck, let's see what happens!

Well.... we get home, have dinner & head up for her bath. She tells me "puh puh," so I get the seat out & plop her on it.

SHE PEED.

The very first time I put her on the potty, she peed!!

I'm not delusional enough to think she's ready to potty train, but they do bring all the kids to the toilet together, so I know she's getting exposure to it. I'll take what I can get! Maybe this interest means we'll train earlier rather than later - maybe right after a year?? We'll see, but it was a very exciting milestone for my "baby!"

Fine China & Sterling Silver - Of course!

We rarely use all the fancy things we got for our wedding like crystal & sterling, and I certainly never thought I'd have Allie use any of the silver & porcelain that was given to her. But this morning, my baby found herself eating off a sterling silver baby fork, engraved with her initials and everything! She's been using a spoon pretty well, but the big forks we have are just too dangerous (as has been proven more than once...oops!) and I don't have any baby forks. I just keep forgetting to get them. So this morning, I had the brilliant revelation that we have a baby fork - it just happens to be pretty darn fancy for eating mini pancakes and strawberries. Oh well, it was perfect, and she loved stabbing her food the table over and over again. It was quite a sight, and I'm sure MIL would be proud.

All in all, it was a pretty fun(ny) morning at the Cartz house...

- A pointed at an empty beer bottle on the counter and said "Dada."
- My girl is a shoe horse - she LOVES shoes and gets so excited for them. Today when I was getting her dressed, she started to get fussy. As soon as I said I was going to get her some shoes, she flat out CHEERED. Arms in the air, fists held high, squealing (really screeching) "yaaaaah!!!" Thattagirl.
- This morning she grabbed: a tampon out of my purse, my razor off the tub, my earring straight out of my ear and pulled my shirt out to put her hand down it. That last one was just weird.
- I rarely wear lipstick, but today I happen to put it on. When I was putting her in the car, she found a (capped) pen, and started tracing her lips with it. SO cute!

I don't remember if I put these words on the other list:

MoMo - Elmo
Cah - Car ( Her little red Cozy Coupe & the pink Radio Flyer bike from Uncle Mike). This one is new this week.
Cooo - C and I got her to say "cool" by repeating it over and over again. It only happened a few times but it was awesome.
Woah! No explanation needed :)

A month later...

I kept telling myself to come on here and post an update, but I was thinking there'd be something more exciting later in the month to write about. Not so much! So, a month later, here I am. Thank God no one reads this but me!

Not a whole lot happened in April, I don't think. Last week, though, we had Alexandra evaluated by Birth to Three, a free CT service to determine developmental issues a child might be having. I've been worried about Allie's speech - not her receptiveness or comprehension, but her actual expression of words. She says Mama, Dada & No just fine (we even get the finger wag with no no no!), but all her other "words" are what they call word approximations. They are close, and more than just babbling or sounds, but they are not THE words, and I was a little concerned. She had the eval, and she rocked it - thankfully she does not qualify for services. But the women were fantastic, and didn't make me feel paranoid or crazy at all - they understood where I was coming from, and suggested that because of all her ear infections, she *really* has only been hearing well since September...so she's a little behind where she otherwise would be with her speech. They wanted us to keep track of what she does say, so here it is - in all her cuteness.

Dedoh - Jethro
Tchoo- Juice
Doo - Shoe/Foot/Toes
Go - this is pretty new, she actually says go
wawa - water
Puh - Up and Cup
Coh - Coat
Bah bah - Bye bye & Haaah - Hi...our girl has a southern accent
Hah -Hat
Hoh - Hot
Mo - More (and the sign)
She also - on command - barks like a dog, moos like a cow, toots like a train & quacks like a duck -- sort of.

As relieved as I am to hear that she is not officially "delayed" in her speech, I can't wait till she really says the words, and selfishly, I can't wait to hear her say "I love you". She give the best kisses and hugs, as it is, but to hear her say that? I know my heart will burst.

In other news, we have an appointment for her to see an Allergist on Friday...we'll see how that goes. Not looking forward to the scratch tests at all. Mother's Day was yesterday and it was awesome. C brought her in to wake me up, and really, what better way to wake up then to a beautiful smiling face saying Mama and giving hugs and wet kisses?? We went out to breakfast at our spot, Huxley's, I got a pedicure with Apryl, then it was off to the beach, Jethro included! It wasn't the smoothest trip but it was tons of fun and a perfect afternoon with my little family. We got home, I worked outside for a while on a couple beds that needed weeding and new flowers (Badly), and we had some cuddletime with the girl before bed. She was awfully gabby, and she has started to sing and dance too. She'll just go aaaah, aaaah, and move her arms and legs, or bob her head - seriously. I need video of it, because it's beyond cute / hysterical. It really was a perfect day!

The health saga recap...and an update.

I haven't been vocal or forthcoming about some health crap that's been going on. To be honest, there's been so many other friends & family members with health scares, med issues, illnesses, and other not-so-fun things, I haven't wanted to add to it. But now that I don't need vibes or whatever other mystical internet powers I might have once summoned, I thought I'd share & get it out in the open to the 2 people who read this blog :)


Here's the "as condensed as I can get it" version:

3 years ago (ish) I got a CT scan. I can't even remember why..... Add that to some weird blood work results, losing my hair, joint pains, and extreme fatigue, and I started seeing an oncologist/hematologist, and endocrinologist and a rheumatologist to see what was going on. Lots of mystery surrounding the zillion appointments and gallons of blood I was giving over for testing. The CT scan I had showed abnormal lymph node growth, and we decided to monitor it. I was also told I *may* have Sjogren's syndrome, but they couldn't confirm. I don't know why.. It's not a widely tested and known disease, though its gaining in understanding... It was all very weird & unsettling.

Then I got pregnant, didn't have a f/u scan obviously, and just decided to focus on having a happy & healthy pregnancy. No meds, no tests, no nothing. Well, I did have more monitoring than normal - the suspected Sjogren's caused me to be high risk, as there are antibodies present that can cross over the placenta and damage the baby's heart. That was all fine & unobtrusive testing, nothing to do with blood results or lymph nodes.

I didn't call the Oncologist again until last summer. Went back to him, blood numbers were still wonky, CT scan showed that the lymph node had doubled in size - and was in a basically impossible place to biopsy. The only way to get it is to go cut open your stomach & go through to the back. Um, pass. Awesome all around... onto more testing. All my blood tests come back borderline, slightly elevated, etc. It's ridiculous. Nothing is a "hell yes this chick has X disease" but nothing says flat out no, either. Weird.

PET scan showed high levels of activity in more than one area. (Commence freak out). Bring on the bone marrow biopsy... not as awful as I thought it would be, but about as fun as you might imagine. The good news with the BMB was that it was NOT cancer. That was my Christmas gift last year.

Had a follow-up CT scan last week & my oncologist called me last night - over the last 6 months, ZERO growth in the lymph nodes, and no additional spots of activity or weird stuff showing up on the scans!! So I don't have to go back and see him until Oct, where I'll have more blood work and possibly another scan.
Still seeing the rheum for the Sjogrens - but my symptoms are relatively mild compared to others'. Like - more annoying than debilitating, so I'm lucky enough to not have to be on meds right now. Eventually I probably will, but I took the stance with the doc if I don't "have" to be on meds, I don't want to. And he agreed. The endocrinologist said my thyroid was borderline, not enough to do anything about it. I do have nodules on it, and I have to keep monitoring them for growth & changes, but I guess lots of people have them without ever knowing or having them affect their health.
 
So that's it. I watch the lymph nodes for growth or changes or more of them showing up. I pay closer attention to my body and do some self tests to see if I can feel lymph nodes in any other areas. I monitor my Sjogren's symptoms for changes. I deal with the hair loss, the inability to lose weight, the fatigue & the joint aches and just be happy it's not cancer.

For now. Because, as is my luck, Sjogren's is not only known to cause lymph node abnormalities (lymph node adenopathy, to use the jargon), it is also directly linked to lymphoma. Of which there are over 30 kinds. Ridiculous no?
 
One of these days I'm gonna wake up with zero pain, bright eyed and bushy tailed, 40lbs lighter, a full head of hair and no anxiety about what's next. One day :)
 
This was supposed to be an uplifting post about how I got great test results. As I write it out and realize it's doom and gloom, I guess I'm still kinda annoyed at all the testing and crap I went through, all to be told it's probably the Sjogren's that is causing everything, but we have to monitor you forever just in case. Haha, way to go, Cartzy. Always the optimist! Good grief.

Go me!

I may be a bitch sometimes, but that doesn't mean I like being a bitch, or even being in any sort of confrontation at all for that matter. I get so incredibly nervous, I crack jokes to ease the tension, I often and easily turn bright red (like CRIMSON), and I tend to be self deprecating by putting some of the blame of the situation on me in order to lessen the blow of what I need to say, even if I had nothing to do with it.

Not yesterday.

I spoke with the director of the daycare. I was NOT a bitch at all...I actually thought I handled myself quite well, I didn't cry, and was proud of myself for being a grown up - Ha! Imagine that...

I started off by asking if she had heard that A was having any behavioral issues with pushing/hitting/biting etc., and she said no. I said since she started in T1, she has been doing that more, but I mentioned how difficult it must be to not be able to communicate your needs or ask for something you want. I was clear that I was uncomfortable with the feeling I get with Miss Victoria...I did say that I understood that it sounded kind of dumb, but the only way I knew how to describe it was a gut feeling that V doesn't like Alexandra. I told her I know not everyone is warm and fuzzy... I know this isn't the infant room and she doesn't need to be cuddled all the time and that I want her to be learning more independence... I know that it's common for toddlers to push and hit, but that it was as if Allie was the first kid to ever do so under V's watch... I know she'll be on the receiving end and the giving end at some times, I have no delusions that my child is perfect...I imagine she gets very frustrated when she can't say what she needs, but that she is the youngest in the class and should not be disciplined or dealt with the same as kids who are 6+ months older than she is...I know to expect that A has bad days sometimes, but I expect positive feedback as well...I try to ask what V does to handle misbehavior so I can be consistent at home, but I don't get much feedback... I never worry that A is not safe or not being taken care OF - I worry that she's not being cared FOR, and that her treatment will be different from that of the other children who V likes better.

The director, Betsy, was surprised. Apparently V is warm and fuzzy, and she doubted that she doesn't like Alexandra. But thankfully, she was very receptive to my concerns...she said I need to feel comfortable with Allie's care, and know for certain that she is welcomed, loved and nurtured at all times. She said that V does know how to deal with kids of different developmental levels...

I'm not sure exactly what will happen from here. My fear is that V will know I talked to Betsy and be super weird to me/around me now. But for sure, A will no longer be in her immediate group of 4 when the class breaks up into 2 groups for activities. Betsy said she'll phrase it so that the other teacher, Gina, deals with the younger kids -- and there is another girl coming up into the room with the exact same birthday as Allie, so that is great!

I felt a lot better after talking with her, but I guess we shall see how things go from here on out.

Today when I dropped A off, Gina told me that Allie is a natural leader and doing so much better with her words (she told me that yesterday, too). When she doesn't know what to say, she finds a way to tell you with other gestures. It was really nice to hear!

I try so hard not to be THAT parent - the one who calls to check in, questions or challenges the daycare, or tells them how to do their job. They are the child care experts, but I am the expert on my child - and this was my first real mommy moment in which I had  to stand up for my kid when she couldn't do it for herself. Go me!

One of those days.....

I'm a crying, blubbery mess today.

I'm frustrated with A's daycare because I feel like her main teacher doesn't like her - she always tells me what A has done 'wrong' that day, and never any positives. And she sounds like A is the first child to ever push another.... She is the YOUNGEST in the class by several months. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to communicate your needs? She's doing better verbally, but she's not up to where the other kids are, and I think because she is so tall, people forget that she's still a baby. MY baby. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. And it shouldn't, but it makes me feel like my baby is doing something wrong.

Then today I didn't unplug the toaster. I don't remember if I unplugged the iron. And the crockpot is going, so there's one MORE fire risk. And Jethro is home, so that increases my fears even more.... I would never forgive myself! Ugh, I'm seriously ridiculous today, and I know it. I need a mental health day.

Things that go bump in the night...

I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman - someone who can take care of herself and isn't afraid of much. I've walked the streets of DC at 2am, interviewing witnesses to crimes... I've walked through crack houses... I've testified under oath in court... I've been in and out of jails and prisons to visit and interview convicted and accused criminals... I've stared true evil in the face without flinching... I worked 2 jobs while going to school full time and maintaining a relationship... I pushed a baby out of ...well, you know.

I can blame the kid, I suppose, but things have changed in the fear factor department. I'm now a wuss.

When C travels, I'm slightly paranoid being home alone, especially over night. I never used to be, but I have become a little OCD, making sure doors & windows are locked and A is still in her bed when I go to sleep (yeah, because someone climbed up about 20 feet with no foot-holds and kidnapped her without me or Jethro hearing...right).

Last night, I went to bed a little before 11, and was awoken by the sound of falling tupperware at about 3:30. Now, in our house, tupperware falls all the time. We absolutely can not keep it organized. (That's a whole other post, accompanied by pictures). But there was no reason for it to fall on the floor in the kitchen at 3:30. I blamed the wind shaking the house, or something, and sorta dozed...until I heard a THUD at about 4:30. I had no husband to make go downstairs while I cowered in bed. I had no baseball bat. Or mace. So all by my lonesome, I crept downstairs, turning on EVERY light in the house and poking my head around corners, all while holding my breath and waiting to be ambushed.

It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous.

It was probably some noise outside, or the wind blowing a trash can lid, or a million other things besides someone breaking into my house. But that's where my  head goes now. Just like every time I get into an elevator I expect to see a body laying in it when the door opens. There, I said it out loud. But I digress.

Last night I was so stupid. The likelihood of some intruder being in my house is slim to none. I know it intuitively, but I want to protect my baby - and that trumps logic every time. I finally did fall asleep for about 45 more minutes, until the dog started whining to go out and I finally just got up for the day to make lunches & get both kids to daycare (yes, I even brought the dog WAY out of my way because I feel so bad that he's cooped up all week & tomorrow / Thurs will be too snowy for me to bring him).

Also... I didn't check the basement, so there could be someone hiding down there, and I don't want them to hurt my puppy.

I'm pathetic.

My daughter has an accent.

And I think it's hysterical. She doesn't really say long vowels yet, so when she says hi and bye, she sounds like a southern belle. haaah, baah baaah.. SO cute. If I do say so myself.

And remember all the words? Tack on No. Thanks, Daycare. Yep, as hard as I tried not to use it frequently and to ignore her when she started to say it here and there, it's her new fave. Accompanied, of course, with a whap - she loves to hit. The best part? She says it like a french woman - Nuh, sorta, with an elongated "n" sound. This morning she woke up and the first things out of her mouth to me were "no" and then "Mo Mo". I just laughed... I said, 'Really, babe? The first thing you think of in the morning is Elmo??' haha. Seriously. Can my kid get any more adorable? Just you wait, I'm sure she'll do something else I think is the greatest thing ever in a few days. And you'll agree. Because it's true.

Back in the real world...

C is travelling this week, so it's me, the pup & the babe on our own. We'll manage. It's a lot of work and I feel bad that J won't get to go to camp at all...if it's nice out, I'll try to get out with them for walks... but it's snow-raining today (welcome, Spring), and I think it's gonna be really cold all week. However... I slept amazingly last night. Sorry, C. But without you snoring, groaning, coughing, pulling covers, causing an earthquake when you roll over, kicking/punching me, I do just fine. I thought I'd take over his side of the bed, but I stayed in one spot all night  hardly moved at all. I woke up and saw the clock at about 5:45 -- over  hours of uninterrupted sleep! I felt refreshed for the first time in a LONG time this morning when I got up at 6:30 for good. Of course, it helps that A slept through the night...or at least I didn't hear her if she woke up!

I do miss the hubs though. This is his longest trip, and longest time away from A... He misses her a ton. So last night after dinner, we made finger paintings for him, and I'm sending them to his hotel for a little surprise gift. He'll love 'em! Sometimes I'm a good wifey. Sometimes.

In other news.....vacations are BOOKED! We're going on 2 this year, and I couldn't be more excited. Ok, I could, if we were going somewhere tropical, but we decided to go the money-saving route this time.. Not that they are cheapo vacations, but Maine & Williamsburg await, and I'm so grateful that we have two breaks to look forward to! I seriously can't wait... and C needs it more than I do before he goes nuts. That's a whole nother story!

Verbal explosion!

No, no, not verbal diarrhea or word vomit...I didn't stick my foot in my mouth (this time).  But, shock of all shocks, this is about Alexandra.

All the sudden in the last week or so, she is talking so much more. It's like she's a little person or something! Here are some of the ridiculously adorable words she says:

Cracker
Ball
Bubble
Elmo (Well, Mo Mo -- SO freaking cute!)
Hot (and she touches everything while she says it)
Dexter ...maybe.. Susan said she did, anyways :)
Nana - for Banana
Coat

and... Mama - all over the place. I was so sad that she didn't say it for so long, and now it's all she says. And I love it. I don't think I could get sick of it, ever! But it's so funny.. I try really hard not to say no to her, because I dont want her to say it back... so if she starts to get the no sound going, I will completely distract her and redirect her focus to anything else. So she's started just yelling at me -- MaaahMaahh!! When she wants to tell me no. HYSTERICAL! But she has the cutest O- face when she's saying MoMo, Bubble (almost like bobo) and No. It's hard not to let her go for it....

As if she wasn't cute enough.

Allergies!

So the girl is allergic to citrus.

It started out as tomatoes...she'd get a rash all over her stomach, back and face... What kind of Italian are you, Alexandra?! My little Ginzo better grow outta that one!

But now we are seeing those little red bumps after other citrus... last night was lime juice used in a chicken recipe and in our rice which were both delish... and when we went to undress her for her bath we noticed the little buggers popping up on her side & her tummy.

I have a call into the doc to ask: do we a) stop all citrus; or b) keep giving her small bits to see if she'll build up a tolerance? Because seriously, this kid made me eat oranges & grapefruits my ENTIRE pregnancy and now she can't tolerate them?? That's not fair. I love me some citrus, and I know she likes it (she was licking her fingers after dinner last night, and gobbled up a clementine earlier -- but I never checked for a reaction to that).

We shall see!

15 month stats

34.25 inches -- off the charts & the height of a 26-month-old. Yeah, she's her Daddy's daughter!
25lbs - about the 80th%ile.
75th% for her head circumference.

Perfect in every way! She's doing great verbally and all her physical stuff & developmental cues are on track!

She was so good in the appointment. Happy, giggly, talky, showing off her mad walking skills, pointing to her nose, mouth & ears on command... A rockstar. After the doc's exam, we were waiting for the nurse to come back for her 3 shots & she put my scarf on and was walking back and forth in the room. The scarf almost hit the ground & was touching her toes...she was looking down watching the scarf & ran SMACK into a little ledge in the wall.... Got a pretty good size goose egg right on the bridge of her nose/eye socket. Screaming ensued...and just as she sorta calmed down, the nurse came back in and gave her the 3 vaccinations... She was not happy.

Awesome mom of the year award goes to me, for watching her walk into the wall while I was taking pictures of how cute she looked walking around naked (diap only) with the scarf on to send to Daddy. I did get a really cute one though.....

See that little ledge behind her? That's the culprit.

Anyway, all is well in baby-land, and I guess I should really stop calling her a baby.

Neglectful.

Yeah, so I'm an awful blogger. Not like anyone reads this, but I'm supposed to be using it as a journal of sorts so I don't forget things... like the great snow ridiculousness of 2011....my sister's wedding in 9 days, in which A is the (most adorable evah) flower girl....how I can't lose weight to save my life....how work is finally picking up & I don't hate it as much...how my mom has been wicked sick & no longer takes care of A, so we have to put her in daycare full time (but for now my cousin Sue is helping 2 days a week)...how A dances up a storm, march march marches, is the best cuddler ever, blows kisses like crazy, plays peek-a-boo like she invented it, says mama, dada, Jethro, bottle & purple (well, sorta...), puts things in a box & takes them out, loves to 'read' her books & will even sit in your lap & give you one to read to her... all these fun milestones that I'm supposed to be recording but am not. because I suck.

And how I don't have cancer. I never wrote about it in detail, but I went through lots and lots of tests, including PET scans & a bone marrow biopsy, all because of dumb enlarged lymph nodes that are out of reach for normal biopsies, only to be told it's not cancer, it's probably just your Sjogren's Syndrome. Really? You couldn't have told me that before? Didn't think to mention that they're related and it's MUCH more likely that the lymph node adenopathy is due to SS instead of the big C? My gray hairs thank you for their early arrival.

Oh well. There, I updated my blog :)

Mama!!

She FINALLY said Mama! I'm a week late, as she said it on Jan 6, but I had to make sure I recorded it somewhere. We were downstairs at breakfast time, I was getting her lunch ready for daycare & she was in her highchair and she just blurted out the sweetest sound ever...mama. I ran over to her and kissed her, said yes baby, I'm mama! And maybe I cried a little. It was perfect. And she's getting better and better at it, directing it at me, calling for me.... How did C not melt & gloat all this time that she's been saying Dada?! Little things like this make everything else worth it!

Oops! Happy Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year!

I guess I kind of forgot about blogging for the past 2 months or so... We got through the drama of Thanksgiving & Christmas just fine... though someone in our house has been sick every day ever since A's birthday and we're all just ready to be healthy. New Years was pretty low key, too.

A gets more and more grown up each day - hugging us, giving open mouth kisses, reaching up, saying Da Da loudly, again and again... continuing to say Jethro & bottle... eating more and more, off of formula and only on 1 bottle of milk at night before bed (can't wait to be done with those!), sleeping a little better when she's not too sick, walking faster and faster, crawling less and less, getting more teeth (I think 6 are coming in right now - it's awful! poor thing!) and just growing up too fast for her Mommy.

She has a double ear infection, only her second infection since the tubes -- and the first was a very minor one in only one ear. This one is pretty bad - lots of puss out of both ears, and a good amount of blood coming from the left ear. We have her on drops, and made an appointment for next week for her to see the ENT to make sure everything's in place and there's no damage. I do worry about hearing loss with all of her infections, esp with how bad this one is, but hopefully she'll be just fine.

She'll be my sister's flower girl next month, and I can't wait to walk down the aisle holding her hand. How cute will that be?!

Anyway. I will try to update more often with cute stuff she does, and maybe even NON baby related posts!