Part 3: November 18, 2009. Oh, baby!

November 18, 2009 



1:45am, Mama's ready to meet her baby!



Last photo as a family of 2!

1:30am - Nurse, I have to push. Like really, honestly. You know when they say "you'll just know?" I know.

So they checked, and within 2 hours I had gone from 4 to 9.5cm...just a 'lip' of the cervix left. Ew. I remember being grossed out by that image and terminology even then. Seriously?

The baby's heartbeat was suddenly dropping at every contraction, and they were worried about infection since it had been so long since my water had broken, so they pushed a bag of IV antibiotics into me as quickly as they could.

15 minutes later, the urge was even more intense, and suddenly a whole team of people swarmed in and were setting everything up - the bassinet/warmer, the table & tray with all the tools, the bed came down, and Dr. B walked in just as everything was set up. It was controlled chaos at its very definition.



 Room is set and ready for baby! And the Plan for the Day says "Have a baby."



Contractions were just a little strong at this point!

It was 2:00 am, November 18, 2009.

Are you ready, Jen?

Oh yes. I really have to push.

At that moment, C came to the right side of my bed, grabbed my hand, and we looked so deeply into each other's eyes that I swear I saw his soul. And it was beautiful. He was so excited, so proud, so scared, so happy - and I loved him more in that moment than I ever had before.

Then I told him to grab the camera and make sure he had it ready. ha. Control freak.

I was suddenly calm and ready. My body took over, and knew what to do for me in that moment.

Dr. B said we'd take a practice push, just to get things moving. But I apparently didn't need practicing! I don't remember how many times I pushed (it was in sets of 3 - push, quick breath, push, quick breath, push, rest). But it wasn't a lot. C was right next to me, cheering me on quietly, looking down when he could finally see the head (props to him!), and holding my right hand in his left, my right leg in his right. The epi had left my right side completely useless, though I could feel my left side a bit.

About 20 minutes later, Dr. B said "This is it  - one last push, Jen. Are you ready?"

PUSH.

Hold on, Jen. Stop pushing. The cord is wrapped around the baby's neck.

So scary. Like unbelievable, momentary panic. I looked down and saw her head - Dr. B tilted it back, pulled the cord off effortlessly (that's why the heart beat was dropping, it turns out), and told me one last time to push. It was 2:30 am, November 18, 2009.

And then she was here.

My perfect little baby girl.

And I loved her. Instantly and completely, I loved her.

Welcome to the world, little one.

She came out WAILING. Blood curdling, non-stop screams that even the nurses were surprised by! She was wiped down and plopped on my chest, still screaming. I shhhed her, said hello, told her happy birthday, and that I loved her. Chris cut the umbilical cord, and they took her away after a minute or two to weigh her and give her the initial Apgar tests.

I have to admit, pushing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. About 20 to 25 minutes or so... Even Dr. B was surprised at how quickly it all went, especially after all we'd been through in the previous 36 hours (almost to the minute, from water break to birth, actually!), and since it was my first child. I remember her joking - maybe next time you actually go into labor before your water breaks, huh? But my baby was finally ready, and nothing was going to stop her! After all that time, she was here!

I don't know why, but I was calm. I was emotional internally, I suppose, but I was just...peaceful. I wasn't scared, or in pain, or anything. I was just in such a state of bliss, and awe, and pure joy, that I was absolutely fine.

They asked us what her name was, and we both kind of just looked at each other. We knew what her middle name was going to be from the day we found out she was a girl - Josephine, after my grandmother who had died just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant. I knew she had a hand in it all, and we wanted to honor her. But for the baby's first name... Neither of us wanted to say it out loud....We were down to 2 names, and I think if one of us said the opposite of what the other one was thinking, we would have felt bad! But finally I said to Chris, Alexandra? He smiled, nodded, and kissed my head. And that was it. Alexandra Josephine was named. And she was ours.

She was 6lbs 15.7 oz, so they said she was 7lbs even and 20 inches long. The exact average size! But she was anything but average. She was perfect. We counted her fingers and toes a million times, just to make sure. I kissed her perfect lips and little cheeks, and teeny fingers over and over again. I rocked her, and probably said "Hi Allie! Hi baby! Hi Alexandra! It's Mommy! You're here! Happy Birth Day! I love you!" a hundred times. We looked at her deep blue eyes for the first time, and I never wanted to look away. It was amazing. I probably overuse that word, but I don't know how else to describe so many things about that day, about her, about how my entire world changed in a split second.

We waited a while to call our parents. We just basked in her beauty, in our love, and in the sheer craziness of what had just happened. All her tests came back fine, and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I don't remember much else about that morning - when we gave her a bath, what time I could finally get up (though I do remember having 2 nurses help me, in case I fell on the way to the bathroom since my epi was still sort of wearing off), what we said to our parents (we finally called about 4 or 4:30am)... I really don't have a clue. I think it's strange that I remember so much detail up until she is born, but once she's here I can't remember the order of stuff that happened. All I cared about was that she was here, she was perfect, and she was mine.

So that's the story of my little Allie's birth.

Nothing traumatic, just a long awaited arrival of a beautiful, perfect baby girl.

Mike even dubbed her "Alexandra the Late" for making us wait so long!

My family came later in the morning, about 9am, C's a little after noon for the first time. Both came back later that night, and C's brother Tim drove down around dinner time from MA. My best friend Amanda came after work- drove 2 hours one way just to sit and be with us for about 30 minutes. And that's why she is my best friend.

Thursday we had a few visitors - family, mostly, but it was a day of learning to diaper, bathe, nurse, swaddle, and just holding her, staring at her, taking pictures.... It's all a blur, really. I remember showering eventually. I don't remember if I ever slept. Thursday night, I sent C home to sleep - one of us needed to be rested! - and get Jethro from boarding so C could introduce Allie's scent to him before he met her.

And Friday, November 20, 2009 - my due date - it was time to go home!

She didn't pee until Friday morning, right before we left (um, plenty of poop. Gross.), and they were concerned... turns out it was because of the antibiotics they pushed right before she was born. She was a little jaundiced and her bilirubin levels were elevated, but it wasn't enough to have her go under the lights.

I brought a beautiful white footie pj type outfit for her to go home in - we expected her to be kind of big, but she was teeny, and she was swimming in the outfit. Her foot poked out of the crotch, in between two snaps, and C and I giggled hysterically. There were so many fits of giggles the first few days (in the middle of the night, one of us said 'whose baby is this?!' and we both lost it!) - out of nerves or exhaustion or whatever it was, we shared a lot of laughs. We went to the parenting exit class, had one more meeting with the lactation consultant, got our stuff together and left.

Our tiny peanut in her going home outfit

Just like that, we were on our own - how scary is that?! They let you take the baby with you!

It was a gorgeous day out. Simply beautiful. I sat in the back seat with Alexandra on the drive.....and then we were home. A new family of 4 (Jethro included, of course!). Scared, exhausted, but ready and totally in love, C and I started our parenthood journey.

Meeting her big brother for the first time.

And, as much as you hear this, I truly, truly can not believe it's been a year. That was the absolute fastest 365 days of my life.

Our first family photo, when she was about 6 hours old.

Happy birthday, Alexandra!

One year old.

Impossible to believe that one year ago today - after 36 hours of "any minute now," months of anticipation before that, and a lifetime of waiting to meet you, though I didn't know it yet - you finally arrived safe and warm into my arms.

As I've watched you learn and grow this year, you've taught me more than I could have ever imagined possible... the true meanings of unconditional love, pure joy and true hope. You are the most special girl in the world, and I'm trying hard to deserve you as my daughter every day.

At every stage of this year, I wanted you to stay just as you were - tiny and perfect, cuddly and soft, dependent on me. But as you've grown, I've loved everything that you've become, and I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

I love you, little angel. Thank you for the most amazing, whirlwind, wonderful, crazy, and fastest year of my life.

Part 2 - Nov. 17, 2009. Longest. Day. Ever.

We kept notes at the hospital so we would remember everything - the meds I got, the nurses we had, what time things happened....it's amazing to look at, to feel what I was feeling when I wrote it, and to remember details of A's birth (I even wrote down my room number! I never would have remembered that a week later, never mind a year or more!). So, onto the recap....warning, it's long. It was an even longer day, trust me.

Monday Nov. 16, 2009 (con't. -- I found more info in the notes that I forgot :) )

Got off the NST about 10:45 so I could walk the halls an try to get things started. We walked for about a half hour, and the contractions did start coming a little stronger. Not strong enough, though! We decided to postpone Pitocin and take a pill - misopropyl? Something like that... to get things really going.

Tuesday Nov. 17, 2009

Took half a pill of the Miso (as we call it... it's one of those cutsie/pukey things we say to each other all the time, and we found the name appropriate) and kept the monitors on. The meds did nothing for the contractions - they were sporadic and weak, but hey, I got some sleep finally! From 2:30 to 4 or so, I conked out, and C passed out on the oh-so-comfortable couch turned bed-type unit.  Got up and walked a bit...but I was exhausted.

With no progress made from the Miso, our early morning visit with Dr. B resulted in me being told I was going on pitocin to really crank it up a notch. Fine with me! Give me the drugs! I thought this was it - I would meet my baby soon - so I had to look good for all the pictures! I showered, and even put on make up before I was hooked up to Pitocin at about 6:30am. They rolled me to my side to try to wake up the baby, who was snoozing away. But nothing happened, so they upped the dose around 7:15.

Then I was on my own for a bit. Chris left to get breakfast about 8am and I think he met up with my brother Mike and sister Sarah down in the cafeteria. As soon as my water had broken I had called them, and I think they both came home to CT Monday night, eagerly awaiting the birth of their niece. Mike might have come Tuesday afternoon.. I'm not sure. With Chris gone, I moved around from the bed to the rocker to the ball, but nothing really happened. I was starving at this point, and the doc let me eat graham crackers, jello, tea & apple juice.... you're not supposed to eat in case of an emergency c-section, but with how slow things were going, Dr. B wasn't concerned. 

I read, cat napped, and tried everything I could to get the baby moving; I talked to her, sang to her, rubbed & poked my belly, squatted in hopes of having her fall out..... nothing worked.

Around 10:30am, my parents & sister came up to see me. When Dr. B came in at 10:55, contractions were close but not enough pain...

You're still smiling.

Yep. But I can see the contractions on the monitor. That's good, right? That means I'm getting close?

Sorry, Jen. When I come in and you're not smiling, then you'll be close.

(I had no idea how right she was.)

Let's lower the pitocin. Do you want pain meds?

No. I want to go as long as I can without an epidural or pain medication.



I kept switching positions - ball, pillows stacked on the bed & leaning my big pregnant ass out. In fact, I have a line in my notes that says "11:15, Chris takes video of my ass" HAHAHA. Love that I wrote that, and no, I have no idea what happened to that video. I barely remember that happening, except that we laughed hysterically about it! We took timeline pictures all day - me reading, on the ball, in the rocker... C kept documenting my face, the clock, the room getting messier and messier -- it's really interesting now to see how my expression changes as the day wears on.

2:15 - Stadol injection. Ok, so I didn't last that long w/o pain meds, I guess. But honestly, it did nothing for me. It made me dizzy and light headed, and I sat in the rocker and sorta dozed/dazed in and out for an hour or so. It took the pain from an 8 to a 6 or 7. Wow, that there's the good stuff, doc. haha.

2:30 - Exam time -- finally! They were few and far between because of the risk of infection, so I never knew if I was progressing or not. When we got to the hospital I was still at 1cm - and that's it. I was sure I was at least 6 or 7 cm at this point. I mean, it had been 24 hours since my water broke, I'd squatted & walked & there had to be something happening.

50% effaced, - 2 station, 3cm.

WHAT. That's it? How can I be in this much pain and there is nothing happening?

You're still smiling & joking, Jen. You're not in pain.

3:30 - second Stadol injection. Did absolute jack shit.

Aaaaand here it comes.

5:00 - Mike & Sarah come back to visit.

Oh boy, it's starting. I can still sorta joke with them, but man am I in pain. Like real pain now. I never should have complained earlier in the day. I'm switching positions like crazy, but eventually have to kick them out because it's just too much. Breathing, arching, squatting, ball, polar bear (they have some dumbass names for the positions..)

6:00 - Dr. B comes back in.

Nothing is happening.  Your contractions are still every 2 mins or so, but they aren't strong enough. Want to take a pitocin break & walk around?

God yes. Get me off this thing and out of this room. I'm going nuts.

(And wtf, baby? Nice and cozy in there, eh? )

So I am taken off the pitocin, take a shower, sit on the ball in the shower, get dressed and try walking the halls again. I remember seeing a bag full of little knit hats on one of the bassinet units in the hall -- I asked a nurse about them, and apparently volunteers knit baby hats for new moms - they are all unique, and it was such a cool little touch.

8:30 - Back on my friend, Pitocin. But, good lord, does it do the trick this time. Apparently I just needed a break.

I wasn't smiling anymore!

By 9:00, I'm ready for the epidural. I waited as long as I could... I tried so hard to avoid it, went back and forth with the nurse about whether I really wanted it, but I could not deal with the pain. I was trying every position I could but I had started to go through transition, and was shaking at this point. Finally the anesthesiologist comes in.

And chats up Chris.

Doc - Who's reading that book?

C- I am.

Do you like it? I was thinking of getting it to read.

REALLY??? Small talk - right now?! Stick the damn needle in my back already doc, I'm dyin' over here! I was having trouble breathing through the contractions, doing everything I could remember from class, holding C's and Nurse Jen's hands way too tight, I'm sure...
I remember the look on C's face so clearly. He was so scared for me. He'd never seen me in any kind of pain before, and to see me laying on my side shaking, my jaw trembling, having to breathe so deeply to get through every contraction scared the shit out of him. But he was amazing. He told me I was doing a great job, breathed with me, told me I was almost there, never complained that I was squeezing too tight, and even made me smile through the most excruciating pain I'd ever known - that's some skill, right there, I tell ya. And that nurse, Jen? She was a saint. Nothing else comes close to describing her. All the nurses were awesome, but she was truly an angel.

10:30 - Heaven. In the form of a needle directly in my spine. Who knew? Ok, so epidural's kicking in, and after all that pain, I must be ready, right? I figured I had waited too long to even get the epi - I must be about ready to push..... right, Doc?

4 cm, 90% effaced, -1 station.

OH MY GOD. Come on, Baby!!!!

I slept for a bit maybe 11ishpm-1am on and off between people coming in, beeping, and everything else that goes on in a hospital, but woke up with the weirdest feeling around 1am.....

It all started a year ago today....

One year ago today, Nov. 16th, 2009 I wrote:

Still here, still pregnant. 39 weeks, 3 days.... but on Friday I had progressed from a fingertip (1/2 cm on Monday) to ONE FULL CENTIMETER. wahoo. (sarcasm, people -I could stay that way for weeks). We'll see if all the old wives' tales of Mexican food, eggplant, sex, pineapple, walking and yardwork did anything at today's appointment.

I know I'm not overdue, and she really could just be cozy in there until Dec. 2. I just don't want to wait to meet her! As scared, nervous and anxious as we are, we are just ready. I think we both hit that point this weekend... we want her to be here so badly, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell her and to just stare at her. We are already so in love with this baby we've never met --- and we just want her to be here already! So, fingers crossed for more progress today...

This was before noon. (For some reason the time on this blog is screwed up and I have no idea what timezone it shoes up in) I wrote this in the morning, went out to lunch at noon, got a pedicure, came back to work, and at 2:30 pm, my water broke. Yes, at work. It was just about as awesome as you might expect.

I ran (ok, I waddled this weird, hoppy, twisty kind of wobbly walk/run. I'm sure I looked graceful and awesome) to the private single bathroom in the hallway instead of the main one with several stalls, and just sat there. I was freaking out and super excited and nervous and elated and scared and ready all at the same time. I wrapped up with TP and paper towels as good as I could, waddled back to the office and I called my OB first (sorry, C), and told the nurse. I had just been there on Friday, and they told me it could be a while, so they were just as surprised as I was. I said I was at work, but could drive myself. They said they'd rather have someone drive me.

So I walked into my dad's office...

My water just broke.

WHAT? (Simultaneous panic and giant grin spread across his face)

My water just broke, Dad. I'm going to call Chris and then it's time to go. Can you drive me? They won't let me drive myself. We just have to go to the doctor's office, not the hospital.

I went back to my desk and started straightening up, shutting down my computer, and dialing the phone.  We had a code word that I had been waiting to use - Guatemala. I have no idea why, but that's what it was. If he wasn't at his desk, I was to have him paged and somehow incorporate that word. Luckily he answered.

Babe, you want to go to Guatemala? I was thinking we should go to Guatemala on vacation.

Shut up. Are you fucking kidding me? (we are so classy.)

No, I'm not fucking kidding you. My water just broke! (she says, at work, in a cubicle, with her dad now standing 3 feet away....again, classy lady here.) It's time to go. Dad is going to drive me to Dr. B's office -can you meet us there?

Yes. I'm leaving now. Oh my God. Really?

Yes, honey. We're going to go now, I'll talk to you soon.

And we hung up. Dad got his stuff ready to go and came back over to me. He had *just* bought a car the Friday before (this was Monday -  so his car was a whopping 3 days old) and he, ever so eloquent and tactful says:

What are you going to sit on?

I have paper towels and a reusable canvas shopping bag. Your poor car, Dad. Really? That's what you're thinking about?!

We still have a good laugh about it to this day. Hysterical!

Down we went to his car, and up we drove to the doctor's office. They got me right in (I was soaked at this point. So comfortable), weighed me, and got me into a room. Dad waited in the waiting room for Chris to arrive, and all the while I could hear him talking to whoever was out there that his daughter was in labor and he was about to meet his first grandchild. He's a talker. When he's nervous he talks - and he was giddy as a school girl.

C finally got there (I guess there was NO parking - of course) and we exchanged a big smile, a huge hug, and a nervous 'holy shit' look. The doc came in, did the litmus test, confirmed that it was in fact my water (gee, thanks for the vote of confidence...but considering I had just been in on Friday with what I *thought* was a waterbreak, I guess I could have been wrong this time. But I knew I wasn't. There was no denying or mistaking what was going on). I was still leaking, but I had to have an NST, a non-stress test to make sure the baby's heartbeat was ok during contractions. Turned out I wasn't contracting that much - or they weren't very strong, anyways.

So, together with the doctor, we made the decision to go home, see how much I could progress on my own, shower, eat dinner, and call her about 8pm.

We went home and I called my mom and asked her to bring over Classico 4 cheese sauce and shady brook farms turkey meatballs. I wanted my 'last meal' to be pasta. How I-Ti of me. We took a picture right before we walked out the door to leave to capture the moment - our excitement, fear, my belly... I don't have access to it right now, but I will post it when I can.

Shower, cleaning & food later, I still wasn't really contracting. Doc said come in, we'll do a dose of something that should get things started. I thought I could labor at home a little longer, but the risk of infection goes up after the water breaks, so in we went. What an exhilarating and scary car ride that was. We parked, went into the ER entrance since it was so late (around 9 or so), and they brought us upstairs to the 3rd floor maternity wing. I refused the wheel chair at first, but C talked some sense into me.  In the ER, we saw my dad's cousin. Totally random. I have no idea what she was doing there.

I was admitted, checked out, and Dr. B came by a short time later to say hi. Nothing else really happened that night..... So that was my Monday, November 16, 2009.

Don't panic..and I have a genius baby.

First - Seriously, I have the smartest, cutest kid in the world. I know every parent thinks that, but sorry, suckers. Alexandra wins. All the sudden, she points, claps, looks for Jethro everywhere and says Duh Do - clearly a genius, already either saying Jethro or Doggie. Just because we don't know exactly what it is that she's saying doesn't mean she is not advanced and special. Plus all you have to say is clap, and she claps. Ask her how the doggie breathes, and she pants. Genius, I tell ya.  And I'm not biased at all.

Now if she can learn to sleep...that would be miraculous. Last night she woke up at 2 and decided that was it. If this friggin tooth doesn't come through soon I'm going to lose my mind. She screamed, ate 10 oz of formula, kicked, writhed in pain, pooped, screamed some more, ate 4 more oz and FINALLY fell asleep again at about 5:30am. Unreal.

I'm really productive today, I swear.

As for the don't panic. I hate medical tests. Hate them. People want instant gratification in answers, not a "we'll do this next test, then see how that comes out, then the next test after that, then. then. then. Medical science needs to catch up. That is all.

Houston, we have a walker!

I can't even believe I'm writing this, but A WALKED last night. Not one step and boom, not holding on to anything...but all by herself, from the dog's chair to me in the middle of the room like 5 steps and into my arms! Insta-tears from both C and I - SO proud. 10.5 months and she walks. Insanity. I *HAVE* to get a video of it, it was so friggin cute.

In other my baby is too cute for words news, she went to her first Durham Fair, her hair is long enough for pony- and pig-tails, she had her first school pictures yesterday and looked adorable, she slept for 11 hours last night, and we had her follow-up at the ENT on Monday and her ears are perfect - tubes in the right place, no infection even though she has a cold.... we are good to go!

Baby doll is growing up, and WAY too quickly for my liking!

tired

I'm exhausted. Like really, really tired. Like toothpicks need to hold my eyelids open tired. A has decided it's not cool to sleep longer than 4 hours in a row, and is up at least 2x a night. I think teeth are about to pop through, and I can't imagine how awful that feels, but come on, baby. Sleep, dammit!

I did a mini experiment where I went gluten free for 10 days, and have never felt better. Honestly. I had so much more energy, I didn't feel sluggish & I lost 3 lbs. I did a lot of research (thank you, Dr. Google), and so many of the symptoms I have experienced for many years sound like Celiac...But to get tested, I have to be eating regularly. So, I feel like crap again, and gained the weight back that I lost that week. Anyway, I get tested in about 3 weeks, and regardless of the results, I'm going as GF as possible. 

This weekend is a MUCH needed girls' weekend in Philly with two of my buds from grad school who have both moved to DC and are doing fun federal jobs at the FBI and US Postal Inspection Service. Jealous. As much as I will miss my babe, I am so excited to get away, have some girl time, some me-time, and sleeeeep. Hopefully this will recharge my batteries a bit.... I've been dragging, and I don't feel funny. I mean that literally. You may think I'm never funny, and that's fine. But I have my moments. And they are fewer and fewer these days. So. Here's to a weekend in the city of brotherly love, filled with giggles, wine, good food, good stories, mani/pedis, Cleopatra, and sleep.

No words

I don't know what to say. I try to be comforting, or helpful, or a silly distraction, but what the hell do you say to a person who's husband has just died?? Yes, he passed away on Sunday Sept. 5th... Yesterday would have been their 3rd anniversary, and tomorrow is his funeral. What an awful week.

To me, it doesn't matter that I didn't know him personally - I have wept for her loss as if I knew him all my life. I can't imagine her grief, her sadness, confusion, anger....she shouldn't  have to be dealing with any of those emotions. Again I say, not fair.

And I don't know what else to say. In this entry, to her, at all.

She did it!

So my baby had her surgery...and did a lot better than I did. Tues. Sept 7th we went in at 6:30 am, her surgery was at 7:30 and we were already on the road home by 8:30. But the in between stuff was not fun! I went with her into the OR while she was put under - one of the scariest things ever. Her eyes were looking up at me, helpless and terrified, and all I could do was say, I love you, Mommy's right here, it's ok baby..... and hear her muffled cries under the mask. Torture. As soon as she was asleep they pushed me out of the room, and I turned to look at her one last time and she was just so tiny on that big gurney.

And I lost it.

I cried in the waiting room with C, but the doc came out less than 15 mins later and told us it all went well -- and that there as a lot of fluid in both ears, so she would hear better even that day. What a relief! We were *mostly* confident in our decision, but that helped us know we made the right choice to do the surgery now, when she was so young.

We went to see her in recovery, and she was so small we both overlooked her bed, thinking it was just a pile of blankets or sheets waiting to be changed..... She woke up unhappy, crying, scared, and confused, but drank some apple juice (she wasn't eating much over the weekend, and hadn't had a bottle or anything to drink since 7:30 the night before - this was over 12 hours later) and calmed down by the time we were ready to go. She just needed some cuddles!

She fell asleep in the car on the way home, and slept for about 2 hours....and was back to her normal, happy, giggling self right away. A little bloody discharge is still coming out of the ears, but overall she's doing great. Tylenol is our friend --- as soon as it wears off, she's reaching for the ears and whining a bit, but hopefully she'll feel no discomfort in a day or so.

So, great success! :) And PHEW -- what a relief!

Stats - 9 months

A had her 9 month and pre-op combo appointment today. Ears look better, and we were given the green light for surgery next Tuesday, Sept. 7th.

She is 31.25 inches, 22lbs 6 oz, and her head was 44cm circumfrence. Off the charts for height (even further off than last time!), 95th%ile for weight, and 52nd%ile for her head.  I dont agree with the weight, seeing as she was 21lbs 11oz exactly a week ago... 11oz in a week? Doubtful. Poop weight, it's gotta be.

As for developmental stuff... she's ahead of the curve for standing, cruising, being a PITA during diaper changes; just right for talking, responding to her name & noises, playing with objects, grasping things; and not quite there yet for clapping, waving, pointing. Doc was happy with how A is doing, so that means I'm a happy mama. We talked about discipline (how the heck do you discipline a 9 month old?!), eating table food, transitioning to milk at a year and some other things that I already forgot. Oh - safety. We really have more to do by way of baby proofing. Like a lot. And I told my mom she needed to put those cushy things on the sharp edges of the tables and she was not happy..."only if they come off"- yeah, aesthetics are more important than her safety, thanks Ma.

Anywho.

Just had to get the stats down.

Not fair.

Sometimes, there is no other way to put it but to say life is not fair. Maybe it sounds like a childish tantrum, but it's true.

Right now, a friend is watching her husband fade away after a long, courageous battle with cancer. She's 31, and has to face a reality of a life without her partner. I can't fathom how she is feeling, and I hate that she is going through this. I feel useless, like I can't help her at all.......and I can only imagine that she feels the same way about not being able to do anything for him.

She's seen cancer steal his energy, his positive attitude, his body, and everything else that he used to be. I think she's handled it with more grace than I ever could. Yes, they've fought. Yes, she's been angry with him and with the world. Yes, she feels bitter and jaded and numb. But I can't blame her. She doesn't give herself enough credit for her strength & resilience. So she cries. Sometimes even breaks down completely. Big deal. Wouldn't you? She loves her husband, and is helplessly watching him die. What could be worse?

My friend, "sorry" seems beyond inadequate to tell you how I feel about what you are going through. You don't deserve this - to lose your husband, to be a widow, to have to make such hard decisions on your own. It's too fast, and too difficult, too painful, and just plain awful.  But you are amazing. You have been his rock and his strength when he didn't have any of his own, his logic & level-head when he couldn't think straight, his fight when he wanted to give up, and his energy when he was too tired to get through the day. I bet you didn't even know you had that strength, fight & energy in you. I know you are exhausted, but you muster it up somehow because you love him. If that's not a testament to true love.... You have shown grace in a terrible situation, and while I know you won't take credit, you have kept him going in his battle.

No, her husband's fight is not about me. At all. I know that. But, right now, I'm on the outside looking in. Hearing small bits of info from her, and more details from another friend, and not being able to do anything to lift her burden or protect her from hurting.


So I am left to think about what I would do in her situation, and I honestly don't know. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't handle it with such dignity and poise as she is. I don't know how I'd get through it, how I'd be able to care for A without C, how I'd be able to explain to A where her daddy went... C and I have struggled so much this year - in our communication, our treatment of each other, our ability to forgive... Just last night I told him I had doubts about whether we would make it...Awful, I know. He was so hurt, and took it to mean that I didn't want to make it, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She shouldn't be an example, and I know wouldn't want to be seen as such, so this seems selfish even saying it... But seeing my friend go through this puts everything in perspective. I have C here.  He is in control of his diabetes right now which means he is as healthy as he can be for now, and I have to work harder. At my attitude, at my response and reaction to him, at my temper and my mouth, at my contributions to our relationship, at being able to forgive, at being more flexible, at being appreciative and thankful, and at being a better friend and wife to him. Because if I were to lose him, I'd have too many regrets, too many things I'd look back on and hate myself for. I am lucky to have him here, right now, and that is the most important thing. Not whether he fed the baby overnight, or worked late, or didn't ask me how my day was. He's here.

I don't know how to end this post. So I'll just end it.

9 months in, 9 months out!

Um, how is it possible that Allie is 9 months old today? Didn't I just find out I was pregnant? Scratch that...didn't I just get married? The great "they" warn that it flies by, but I had no idea it would go this fast. I went from a squirmy chicken-ass little nugget to an off-the-charts nearly toddler who stands up, giggles, recognizes her name and her puppy, eats table food, and says DaDa and BaBa in the blink of an eye. I hope I never forget a second of this time...

As reality hits me just how quickly she's growing up, I know I need to drink in every second of love and bliss with my baby. Her beautiful eyes, lips, cheeks (both sets!) and smile......her contagious giggle......her instant recognition and reach for me....... soft cuddles as she gets sleepy..... the way she still holds my fingers..... her obsession with her BFF Jethro....her ability to learn new things so quickly, from eating with her hands, to drinking with a sippy cup, to taking steps in her PNP, to playing with new toys......  every moment with her is a gift, and I hope the amazing love and pride I feel for her today, and the joy she instills in my heart, just purely by existing, never, ever fade.

Happy 9 months, Sweet Angel. Don't grow up too fast... Daddy and Mommy selfishly need their baby to stay little for just a bit longer...

Here's my baby at the park yesterday, loving the swing. If I could upload the video of her giggling hysterically from my crappy phone (yes, I still have a regular cell phone, no smart phone for me!), I would..but these will have to suffice for now!

Hello? Caller?

I have laryngitis! We had the party on Saturday, which went really well - Lots of food, babies in the pool, sidewalk chalk, frisbee, and an absolutely gorgeous day all made it a lot of fun.  Somewhere around 7 or 8:00, when most of the people had gone, the baby was asleep, the grill had been extinguished (no, really... it caught on fire!) and it was just me and the boys sitting around talking, I suddenly couldn't contribute to the conversation! It was like a switch was flipped - I have no idea where it went, and it's not like I did a ton of yelling or anything at the party, but I now squeak like a 14 year old boy in puberty... or a 2-pack-a-day old bitty.... I think some people sound sexy with laryngitis...but not me! I get the trucker voice. Good thing I don't work on the phone..oh wait ~ I do!

Today will be interesting. "Good morning, this is Jen" when I answer the phone will come out with squeaks and squawks, and hopefully be interpreted on the other end of the line! This will be interesting.

Happiness is...

....seeing A instantly light up with a smile and reach for me when I walk into a room
....an old friend fighting through heartbreak to finally meet her beautiful baby girl
....a nap in the warm sunshine
....having the baby sleep through the night
....finally breaking through at work and getting into a good flow
....friends getting together just because
....waking up to A's laughter over the monitor
....a good hair day.....ok, a day where my hair doesn't look like a chia pet
....1lb down on the scale
....puppy kisses
....hand holding
....clean sheets
....walking barefoot in the sand - but only if it's not too hot!
....seeing others who deserve happiness truly experience it


What else?  I've been so reflective lately for some reason - both on what I should be grateful for and what I should let go of. Some of these seem cheesy, I know. But so much has happened recently that I think it's important to take stock sometimes, to notice small details, seemingly insignificant words, or tiny gestures that end up making a difference. Perspective is a gift, and when it shows up, I try to really, really pay attention.

Poop?

Not about baby things - imagine that!

An intelligent conversation between my sister and I last night, in the basement while moving crap from the garage downstairs for the party:

Me: EW! What is that on the window sill? Is that poop? Dirt?

S: Uh, I have no idea.

Me: EW! It looks like it's coming out of the window! It's too small to be mouse poop, right? RIGHT?

S: Uh, I have no clue. Ew. Let me get closer. I still don't know.

Me: Ew! Don't touch it, I'm not touching it. Is it saw dust? Like bugs burrowed through the wall or window frame or something? Ew. I'm not touching it!

S: Jen, I have no idea what it is.

Me: Lets get out of here!

{{and you can hear the baby crying in the background, because we've left her outside in the yard in her stroller while we examine the crumbly pile... I'm such a good mom.}}

I'm 30, my sister almost 28.  And neither of us would touch whatever it was to find out. I think she was annoyed with me. Whatever, it was gross.

I will have to send C downstairs to check it out. That's why I keep him around - for reaching things my vertically challenged butt can't, killing bugs, and cleaning piles of unidentifiable stuff. Oh yeah, and he's cute.

Party time!

I had this grand plan to have a surprise party for C a month after his birthday. Then I realized I can't keep secrets or surprises, and blew it by showing him a picture and forgetting about the caption underneath it discussing the party we were having......Dumb, dumb, dumb. So now it's just a BBQ, and it'll probably work out better because I have no idea how I would have convinced him to do all the house and yard work we've been doing for the last week or so! Silver lining :)

So the big shindig is this weekend, and here's to hoping it all goes well. No drama, no drunken brawls, no kids getting hurt, no food poisoning, no tents falling down, no horrible rain storms to keep everyone inside the house.....Oy. I forgot how stressful and expensive hosting a party was! Let's avoid this in the future, Jen, eh?

She stands! And other odds & ends...

About 2 weeks ago, I turn and look and there is A, standing up in her Pack 'n' Play - STANDING, PEOPLE! So I grab the video camera and capture her doing it again :) Now she pulls up like a pro, on just about everything from your knees, to chairs, to the dog (who loves it, really...) and she's pretty darn steady, too! She'll even take a couple steps to the side while holding on in the PnP-- I can't believe how close she is to walking! We are in so much trouble with this one...

In baby other news, tubes are on the menu for our little baby. She's had so many ear infections over the past couple months, and the ENT at Yale agreed it was probably a good idea not to wait. I was worried about speech delays or hearing loss... and she's so young to get this many infections, so we bit the bullet and scheduled surgery for Sept. 7th. Logically I know it's a routine, 5 minute procedure and she'll be fine. But the thought of my baby under anesthesia, with a knife in her ear, does not sit well with me... Ugh.

Can't believe she's almost 9 months old. I've been really nostalgic lately and getting a little teary that my baby isn't so much a baby anymore. She's saying Da Da, Ba Ba, Ra Ra and every once in a while we get an "L" by accident. No Mama yet, but hopefully soon - I can't wait to hear that come out of her mouth. She'll get whatever she wants if she just says "mama" first! Luckily she's not associating Dada with C yet, so I'm not too jealous :) She's wearing 18month clothes (and even bigger sometimes!) because she's so tall - 30 inches and probably 22lbs by now! That's 10 inches and 15 lbs in 9 months - Insane! I'm so torn - if I could go back to see her littler again, I would... but if I could freeze time and have her snuggle on me every day like she does today, I would...but if I could fast forward to hear her talk and see her walk, I would... I can't believe how fast this is all passing by, and I miss her during the day when I'm at work. I feel like I miss so much, and she deserves more time with mommy & daddy. But the daycare people are great, and she thrives there.

She is amazing - truly, truly amazing. I adore her. I was so scared about how fast we got pregnant, so nervous about what it would mean to my life as it was, to our relationship, etc. And everything has changed without a doubt. But I would never, ever wish for a day without her. I didn't know it until she was here, and no one can prepare you for the love you have for your child, but I was meant to be her mommy. She has turned my universe upside down in the most magical ways, and I couldn't ever imagine living in a world without seeing her smile, hearing her giggle, feeling her cuddles and her soft hand holding mine, gazing into her amazing blue eyes, and just drinking in her beauty and her love every single day.

I love you, little girl. More than I'll ever be able to explain to you in words or hugs or kisses.

I suck at blogging.

So, I completely forgot about the blog... then I whined to C the other night that we should have been writing down every milestone so we could remember when it happened. Um, I had a forum here the whole time? Good job, Cartzy. Well done.

Here she is in her yellow polka dot non-bikini :) Not the greatest picture of her in the world, but I love her!

So...

Little monkey is 8(!!) months old, and amazing in every way. She started crawling just before 7 months..well, stomach scooting, but got real crawling within a couple weeks.. She got her first two teeth right around the same time, just before she hit 7 months. Her first was her bottom, front left tooth - a little bit of white poked up, then the one right next to it came up at the same time. So far, no other teeth, but she sticks everything she can in her mouth, so we are bound to see another little chicklet soon! Oh, and crawling is so last month. She learned how to stand up (pull herself up in her PNP, on the couch, your leg, whatever) this weekend. Like, all the sudden I look over and she's standing up in her PNP. Of course I grabbed the video camera and watched her do it again!

We took our first road trip to Hilton Head SC at the same time she was learning to crawl & getting her first teeth. 2 days in the car.....overall, she did great, but we did have some meltdowns - to be expected, I guess! She loved the ocean and the pool, and did fantastic all week - even in stifling heat! We were down there with my family, and they loved spending time with her too. Especially Uncle Mike!

She eats lots of purees, some puff things, and tried cheerios this past weekend. She has even eaten meat! Chicken and beef. She was not a fan of the beef :)

She has the most amazing, contagious, and adorable giggle. And she'll get into a fit - if you rub kiss her tummy, roll her from side to side, or talk into her mouth (helloooooooo!). Seriously infectious laughter - it's awesome!

She's a big girl - almost 30 inches and 21+ lbs at 8 months. A lot of babies dont' hit that until well after a year, some even longer. But we didn't expect her to be a peanut. I just hate how every.single.person makes some comment about how "huge" she is! Ugh, she's perfect. And it's not like she's tripping over her rolls or something - she's really not chubby. She's SO long, and pretty proportionate. Anyway, that's the protective mamabear in me!

In not so great news, we've had to see an ENT (well, 2) - since starting daycare on May 1, she's had multiple ear infections. She's been on 4 antibiotics, which she HATES (like sees the syringe coming, closes her mouth tight and turns her head!), and I think we have to get her tubes. We have a f/u appointment in August at Yale, so we'll make that decision then. But I think it's already made, to be honest.

Through it all though, she is just the happiest baby. She always smiles, giggles and loves on everyone. She loves to hug, hold hands, snuggle into your neck & shoulder, and sorta kiss you....like open mouth kisses because she can't purse her lips yet -- best kisses ever!

I'm sure I'll remember things I should have written, but that's it for now!

Before I forget...

Four months is an exciting time in babyland! Here's just a few things that our amazing Allie has accomplished:

• She hugs! She now will put her arms around your neck and on your shoulders when you pick her up. I love every mini hug I get!
• She reaches out for me... and mommy melts :)
• We started rice cereal and she's doing great! She is so cute with a spoon - shoving it in her mouth. I had her try a tiny bit of banana yesterday and she seemed to like it... on to sweet potatoes, carrots, green beans, avocado, apples & pears in the next couple weeks and months!
• I've started using sign - just for more, I love you, diaper, and hungry. Now the task is to get C & my mom to stay consistent with it too.
• She is getting good at her hand use - grabbing for things, holding her pacifier, attempting to hold her bottle to bat it away or pull it toward her.
• So strong - she can pretty much stand up (assisted of course) because her legs are jacked!
• The giggles. Seriously amazing, heartwarming, and the definition of perfection when she giggles. And boy does she giggle like crazy! Especially with her daddy :)

Her four month appointment was on Mar. 30th - she was 16lbs 12oz and 27.75 inches!! Yup, our little girl is off the charts and close to the size of a 9-month old! But not chubby at all - so long and lean, like her Dad. I hope she stays that way...but not too tall! Ok, that's it for now but I will edit later to include stuff I forgot.

More updates

I got so excited about Alexandra rolling over that I forgot to include other things that have been going on.

A & I took our first road trip to see Amanda, Stan & Lorraine in NY yesterday. She did great in the car - slept the whole time! And only one melt down when she got tired while we were there. We brought our Red Sox rattle to Yankee territory... and got booed! I had to do it though... I was lucky Stan didn't see it - he was doing yard work & burning stuff in the back yard, and I'm sure it would have ended up in the fire pit along with the twigs & leaves!

She slept through the night two nights in a row... and then not so much last night. We'll see how tonight goes! We have her 4 month appt. on Tuesday the 30th, so we will discuss starting solids with her. First, rice cereal, and then I'm going to try to make our own food - sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, carrots, applesauce, avocados... I'll be using wholesomebabyfood.com for advice on making food, when to start which types, etc.

She is adorable. Seriously, she's cuter and cuter every day. Her beautiful eyes are still blue. She's drooling like crazy, so we think there may be a tooth coming in soon-ish. She still uses a paci, and we're debating weaning her off of it, but right now, it's so cute when she doesn't have it in she still puckers her lips like she's sucking on it.

In non-baby news...

Jethro has some sort of infection/ hotspot and is going nuts for it. It looks painful, and we feel so bad for him!

We have some sort of leak in the roof in our kitchen, above the bay windows near our table. Awesome. I had two roofing guys come and both said we could fix it ourselves, most likely just with some silicone caulk instead of ripping off the shingles.

Easter is this coming weekend... this year will be spent with my family. I'm excited to put the baby in a dress...pink of course!

That's it for now. Just wanted to write some things down!

And we're rollin'... rollin'...

She rolled!

I mean, I found her on her tummy about 2 weeks ago in the middle of the night, but we finally witnessed it - and got it on film! - tonight! Our amazing little baby Allie giggles, talks, squeals, stands nearly on her own and now rolls over! She went from her back to her tummy and back again twice! C and I both cheered like proud parents, in disbelief that our baby could do something so amazing. Ok, maybe it's not amazing in the grand scheme of things, but it's pretty amazing to us! And I'm so glad we were home to both see it together!

4 months and counting!

First, let me say how horribly I suck at keeping this up to date. I was supposed to use this as a lot to remember milestones with Allie but days and weeks go by where plenty is happening but nothing is written down. Awesome. Moving on.

Alexandra turned 4 months old last week. It is truly unbelievable to me that its been 4 months since we met her... sometimes it feels like we just peed on a stick...we just found out she was a girl... we just were on our way to the hospital... but at the same time, I can't imagine life without her ever again. Some days I long for quiet, to not worry, to not have to change a poopy diaper... but I miss her every second I'm away from her, whether I'm at work, at the gym, or simply upstairs while she's downstairs. She is amazing, and changing every day. Here are some things that have happened over the last few weeks.

We have giggling. Full on laughter. Next to the first time I heard her cry, it's the most amazing sound ever. Allie's giggle will get anyone to smile - I dare someone to try and keep a straight face while she's belly laughing with her crooked little smile!

She's still not sleeping through the night, but it's usually only one feeding around 3-4 am. Not terrible, not great. I've started going to the gym early mornings (up at 5, gym by 5:30) just so I actually get there... which means C gets to do the 4am feeding. He's not thrilled, but I am!

She found her feet and loves to grab them!

She rolled over for the first time last week... I think on March 16th. I went in to get her in the morning when she was crying and there she was, on her stomach...and not happy about it! As far as I know she's only done it one other time, when E was watching her.

I was walking out the door from the garage to the back yard with her in the baby hawk carrier to go on a walk with the dog last Friday...as I was leaning in to close the door, I whacked her head on it. She was not happy! The only good thing that came out of that doc's appt (ok, other than the fact that she was totally fine and I just over reacted!) was I found out a weight -- 16 lbs, 6 oz! Next week (Mar 30) we will have her 4 month appt, which means more shots (boo) but also that we find out her length. So many people have told us she looks older than 4 months. We think she's just advanced :)

We had our first two play dates last week. I met up with Danielle and her twins, Briley and Delaney last Friday to walk around the mall. It was good to have some mommy interaction, time out of the house but not at work, and good for Allie to see other babies. Then on Saturday, we went to visit our friends in Springfield, Tony & Jill, who's daughter Juliana is 3 weeks older than Allie (and they have a 4 year old son, Brennen). To us, Allie does look older. She has a bigger head, bigger ears (ha!), and was much more animated, though I think Juliana was not feeling well during our visit. That was neat to see her reaching for Juliana, holding her hand...oh yeah, and punching her in the face!

The only other news is the never ending power struggle with C's parents...well, his mother. The condensed version: we feel she's judging everything we do, questioning our parenting skills, and has gone against things we've asked her to do. She of course doesn't see it this way and says that we are insecure and nervous parents... Suffice it to say after several discussions and them showing up at out door on Sunday, E will no longer be watching Allie on Wednesdays. Which means we are going to have to cough up $ for PT daycare from here on out. Sanity and not having the stress that this whole thing has become is worth the $.

Some day I'll figure out how to post pictures on here again.. otherwise, this is a pretty damn boring blog. Oh well!

We survived!

But barely! The baptism was chaos - 5 babies being baptized, one of whom screamed bloody murder the entire time, and everyone had family and friends there. Chaos and craziness. Then came the party with nearly 50 people at our house....

But let me back up and tell you about my fight(s) with the priest.

We didn't research parishes to find one we liked or try Episcopal churches to see if we wanted to switch during pregnancy. So we decided to baptize A in a Catholic church, one that has meaning to my family. We had to join the church, which is easy enough... but choosing Godparents is apparently a very big deal, and comes under strict scrutiny from the church. Godmother - no problem. Active member in her parish, got the paperwork signed, sealed (literally - notarized) and delivered in time. Godfather - not so easy. Moved recently, married an Episcopal woman, and apparently we chose poorly because of these reasons.

At our baptism "class" the priest challenged us as to why we would want someone who is not practicing as her Godfather. I got uppity and said "because he's an important part of our lives and will be an important part of hers." C got uppity and said he was a choir boy for 15 years and just got married at such and such church... not quite enough reason for him, but it shut him up for a minute. THEN I had to bring the paper work before the ceremony and he proceeded to tell me that because our Godfather did not marry a Catholic person, he is not fit to be a Godfather...only a "witness" according to Church Canons. I didn't know if their wedding was 'sanctioned' or whatever by the Diocese. He said if it wasn't, it was not valid in the eyes of the church and he couldn't be A's sponsor. Really?! I was like, are.you.kidding.me???!? And I said that. I was HEATED. I told him it was confusing, frustrating, and this is the reason young people don't return to the church. I asked him if he was telling me that Episcopal women were bad people or bad influences on Catholics. I told him that our choice was a good Christian man, had always gone to church, would be a positive influence on the baby, and that was what was important to us in choosing a Godfather. That didn't seem to matter to him. I left in a huff.

Turns out his wedding WAS sanctioned/blessed by the church, so it was all for naught, but still. How antiquated is that crap? We joked about it with him and his wife, but whatever. I doubt we'll be going back to that church, family history or not. Ugh.

Moral of the story - A is baptized in Christ. Amen.

Then we all went back to our house and ate. And ate. And ate. Lots of food (I was so worried there wouldn't be enough... I forgot how little children actually eat, so there are left overs galore). We moved tons of furniture out, tables & chairs in, and somehow fit everyone in the house. Thankfully it was a beautiful day, so the 10+ kids went down to the park to play and played out in the back yard as well.

Up at 4am to put meatballs in crockpots & decorate a cake that looked more like a plus sign than a cross, church at 10, entertaining from noon to 5pm, cleaning till 8, and CRASHED after that.

But A was an angel. She was so peaceful & calm all day - throughout church, with water being poured over her head, being passed around at the house... we really are lucky that she is such a good baby. I'm glad she got to meet people she hadn't met before, be the center of attention for the day, and was on such good behavior. Love my little nugget!

Allie,

Daddy and I aren't the most religious people, but we do believe in God. And we want you to grow up with faith and to know that God loves you. We will find a way to bring Him into our lives, I promise. Just because we don't go to church every weekend doesn't make us bad people or bad Christians. We love our neighbors, treat others as we wish to be treated, and pray for those we love and the world around us.

Your Godparents love you, and they will be there to help you be faithful when we aren't. Depend on them when you need to. But never be afraid to question things you do not agree with or understand. Yes, some things just "are" - whether there's an explanation or not - but we want you to learn to think for yourself, to be critical and inquisitive. Not everything the church (or government, or schools, or...) says is right. And that's ok. You can disagree while still respecting the premise, the fundamentals, the roots. That is what makes a person a good Christian - respect, love, honesty, faith, and heart. Not rigidity, formality, and closed-mindedness.

If we can instill that in you, we will have done our jobs.

Love you always,

Mommy & Daddy

Jesus loves Alexandra

Our "little" nugget is 3 and a half months old now... I can't believe it! We have her baptism this weekend, and somehow invited 60 people to the house afterwards. Um, where will all these people go? I have no idea. I'm just hoping the floors don't collapse! Lots to do to get the house ready -- lots of furniture to move, and even more cleaning. My house hasn't ever really been on display, and there will be a bunch of people there that haven't seen it before. Oy. Because I don't already stress enough.

As far as the baptism goes, I DO want Allie to grow up with faith. I don't remember the last time I went to church just to go to church (i.e., not a holiday, funeral, wedding, etc.), but it is important to me that she is baptized. Guess it's that good ol' Catholic guilt getting to me! C really couldn't care less if we did or not (or if we baptize her Catholic or another religion), but it is important to me. Both of our families were surprised, but I am glad we are doing it. Maybe this will get me going to church a little more frequently. Maybe.

On a side/sentimental note: Alexandra will be wearing my Christening gown, which is really cool. We tried it on her last night and she looked so beautiful!

She's been spending her days with the grandmothers, and I miss her so much when I'm at work. I'm just trying to get back into the groove of recruiting, trying to stay focused and not get distracted too much. Need those commissions! Too bad no one is hiring... makes for tiring days of getting rejected on the phone.

Random: I still have lots and lots of baby weight to lose, and then some after that, but my wedding ring finally fits! Back to the gym I go - been going for 2 weeks now, but it's hard to find time/energy to go when I've been up overnight twice with the baby, then went to work for a full day. I know I'm not the first person to go through this, but it is definitely hard to get my (big) butt there. Must.force.self.to.gym. I really shouldn't be this fat 3+ months out from having a baby... I don't care what excuses people tell me to use; I no longer "just" had a baby, and I need to get my ass to the gym. I'm just glad that A & C love me no matter what. Wish I could say the same for myself! Ugh, I feel like I'm 16 again, hating my body. Seriously? Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl.

Note to self: if I have another baby, be better about not gaining a zillion pounds during pregnancy...don't forget that weight has to come off eventually. Gross.

Ooooh, I'm going public!

So I made this blog public to my google followers. I have a whopping 5, most of which are family. We'll see if I can remember to keep up with my posts and if anyone reads it!

The daycare search has begun. I made so many calls before A was born, but never visited any places or made any decisions. We are fortunate that the grandmas are each taking the baby a day a week, so we can hopefully afford part time daycare. All the intentions I had to work at home... well, the baby doesn't nap well, and it is nearly impossible to be on the phone when she's awake or could wake up at any minute. So back to work I go, at least a couple days a week for now, then full time when we find a place for her. Tomorrow's the first day we are scouting locations. Never thought it would be this hard!

In other news, C & I joined a gym again. This baby weight needs to come off before I shoot myself. Never mind my preexisting self consciousness & body image issues... tacking on a million pounds does nothing for my self esteem. Vacation in June is my motivation.

Yes, another exciting post by Jen.

30?!

So I'm 30. And I'm fine with it. It's definitely weird, and I thought I'd have a lot of anxiety surrounding the day, but I didn't. I think Allie has helped that tremendously... even when I'm not sure about where my career is going, if I've made the right decisions, and what I'm going to do when I finally grow up, I know I've accomplished everything I was meant to because I'm her Mommy.

Speaking of work... I'm back at work part time as of today. I've tried to work from home and have come in for a few meetings, but Alexandra doesn't nap well - can't be on the phone with a baby who's awake and can cry at any moment! That's what is causing me anxiety - being apart from the baby. I know Allie is in good hands - Mondays with my mom, Wednesdays with Elaine - but I miss her so much. She is talking up a storm, smiling, and even has a pseudo giggle/cackle that cracks me up. She'll just goo, aah, ma and give us her crooked little gummy smile - especially with Chris. She has full on conversations with her Daddy, and he's amazing with her. She cries a little more now than when she was first born... we jinxed ourselves by telling everyone how calm she was!... and she has full-on screaming fits, but she usually just needs to be cuddled and she settles down.

Allie,

I love you. You still amaze me every day. On the one hand, I wish you could stay this little and cute forever. Your smile still melts my heart, and I never get bored just hanging out with you. I could stare at you forever, play with you, hold you and just cuddle. You've sort of started hugging me when I pick you up... I know it's not on purpose, but I can't wait until you really can give hugs and kisses. I will miss our days together as you start with the Grandmas and eventually go into daycare.

On the other hand, I am so excited see you keep growing and get to know your personality. You are so close to rolling over... I went in to see you this morning (after you slept almost 8 hours! Mommy and Daddy thank you!) and you were on your side, kicking your feet up the side of the crib. Time for Mommy to take the bumpers out so you don't smoosh your face into them! You almost always wiggle out of the swaddle we put you in at night, and usually end up with most of your fist in your mouth, sucking away. No thumbs for you - you want the whole darn hand! You are holding your head up so well, and when I prop you up on a pillow you hold yourself up! You have such strong legs, and will kick when you're lying down like you are swimming or doing a little jig. You even straighten them out and put some weight on them when I hold you up!

You are such a beautiful girl. Everyone tells us how pretty you are - gorgeous actually! - and I know they aren't just saying it to be nice. Your eyes are still dark blue, but Daddy and I think they might be changing to more of a hazel soon. We'll see!

You're getting so big! At your two month appointment on Jan. 19 you were 24 inches and 12 lbs 2 oz... It's amazing for us to look at the pictures from just a few weeks ago and see how much you've grown. You fit from Daddy's palm to his elbow when you were born, but now we need two arms to hold you up! You are thriving - in the 97th percentile for height and 91st for weight. You are outgrowing your clothes so quickly, but I still dress you in them and giggle at how you have to bend your legs to fit in the footie pj's. Sorry, but I have to amuse myself somehow until you can really talk with me! For now, your goos, coos, aaahs, and squeals are the most adorable sounds I've ever heard. You are especially talkative during diaper changes - as soon as you lie down, you start gabbing away and smiling - open mouth, sideways smiles that are as perfect as they are crooked.

Daddy and I love you more and more every day... We are truly blessed with a beautiful, happy, easy going, amazing little baby girl.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy