Thursday, February 26, 2009

I am so dumb.

Totally locked myself out of the house this morning. Walked out the door from the kitchen to the garage, got to my car and realized I didn't have my keys. Thank GOD I had my purse & cell... I called C, he was not happy. I was over 30 mins late for work and made him miss an hour driving back and forth. Great start to the day. Ooops!

I could blame it on the blonde hair, being sick, tired .. But this is not the first time. In the apartment I probably locked myself out 6+ times in the 3 years we lived there. There was always a number to call or someone there to unlock it for me. I am the management now. This is why I need a butler. I'm building a strong case.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

So cute.

I'm sick. C gave me his cold (well, I blame him for everything, I could have gotten it from anyone). But Jethro is the cutest thing ever. Even when I get annoyed at him he's still adorable.

This morning I was getting my stuff together to leave and he was sleeping in the living room. I heard a little bit of rustling, so I went in to see what he was up to....He was curled up on the couch with is head on a pillow. He's not supposed to be on the couch, but I didn't even yell at him...it was too adorable!

I picked him up, put him on the floor on his blanket and walked out to finish up my stuff. I walked back in and he was back up on the couch in the same position!! I should have taken a picture... I'm sure he'll try it again!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Looong week.

Well, Gramma died early last Wednesday morning, and the following 5 days were ridiculously long and tiring. I'm glad I got to say all the things I needed -Chris and I were there Tuesday night, and I told her it was ok to go. I'm happy C got to say goodbye too...

Now its time to get back to a normal schedule, a normal life, and hopefully get some rest.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hanging on..

Gramma is still hanging on. Its not pretty - she's having lots of trouble breathing, she's still not eating (drinking only), and is very weak, but she's still cracking jokes when she can and making sure we're all ok. She was worried about Chris (he had the flu this weekend and couldn't visit her at all), saw pics of Jethro and said he was cute... she's still Gramma, but it sucks to see her suffering. I feel bad for my dad who has to deal with everything - finances, legal stuff, my aunt who can't handle this, etc., - all while watching his mom die.

I'm tired and cranky today - it was a lot of back and forth this weekend. I didn't take care of Chris as much as I should have, but he was very understanding. I had the dog sleep in the spare room with me so he wouldn't bark in the crate downstairs and keep Chris up...but that kept me up every time he moved around. I just want to sleep! I have a corner cubicle...think anyone will notice?

Friday, February 13, 2009

A positive post

I promise to post a positive post soon. Everything lately has been negative and sad.....

Now that it is written down, it must be done!

Just getting worse.

Gramma was even worse yesterday - less than 24 hours after I first saw her. I had some alone time with her - about 30 mins before my cousin Ryan got there with his girlfriend Jen and his son Noah. I told her I understood why she was giving up, I wasn't mad, and I loved her. I told her I wasn't ready for her to go, but I know she is. I held her hand - with my rubber glove since we had to be gowned and gloved to go in - and just sat there. I started crying, and she woke up for a few seconds and caught me... and told me not to cry. Always a Gramma.

Her breathing is more labored, and she wheezes as she exhales. Every few minutes she coughs painfully, deeply, and it hurts just to hear her be in so much pain, and to see her wince from it makes me wince. I could see her dreaming - her mouth would move, her feet would wiggle, like a puppy having a dream about running. I hope she was running...better yet, dancing. It's been so long since she's been pain free, able to be comfortable in her own body, and I know she is ready for it to be over.

Mike and Sarah come home to say goodbye tonight. I don't know what they will think, how they will feel, seeing her like that. She was so much worse yesterday than Wednesday even - I can't imagine how she is doing today. I hope she is still awake enough to open her eyes, hear them tell her they love her, and to say it back - that meant the world to me, and I hope they get that too.

When I left last night, I told her I loved her again, and blew her a kiss. She blew me a kiss back and said she loved me. The whole time we were there she didn't stay awake for more then 15-20 seconds at a time...but as we were leaving, she fought to stay awake and watched us leave. I hope that is not the last time I say goodbye to her, but if it is, I'm glad I got the chance.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Gramma...again...

I saw her.

And I hated it.

It wasn't even like seeing Gramma. We had to wear gowns and gloves. She was so weak and frail. She could barely move or talk, she kept falling asleep. She had two catheters in, her arm is still completely black and blue from falling nearly a month ago. She hasn't eaten in weeks - little bites here and there - but the nurse said Gramma has basically stopped participating in or responding to treatment. Dad tried to feed her one bite of pineapple from a fruit salad that was there - ONE bite. And she chewed it a little and then had me get a tissue and spit it out into it. She says she can't swallow. It was all horrible. I read her a card that was there that had arrived from Aunt Millie and it was all I could do to fight back tears. I left the room crying. I know she has given up.

Dad doesn't want her last days to be fighting about whether she's doing the right thing, or have people who are angry at her around, and I understand that. But I am angry. Its her life, I know, but I don't understand why she's not fighting for it anymore? He just went up to the hospital to try and feed her soup... I called my brother Mike and told him to come home this weekend to say goodbye. I don't know if I can go see her again. Just typing that makes me cry.

I have to say goodbye to my Gramma.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Gramma....

My Gramma is not doing well. Dad said today that Aunt Carol is going - though she shouldn't be in a hospital because her immune system is so shot - to say goodbye "just in case." I think she feels like she doesn't have a reason to live.....She's apparently starving herself. Her stomach is messed up still from the nursing home "grip" that she and her roommate both had for over a week before she was admitted to the hospital, and she says she can't hold anything down.

I don't know what to think.

I know she's not happy, but I can't see her thinking its ok to just starve herself and let herself die. I'll be devastated if she dies, but I hate seeing her deteriorate - she's frail, thin (and getting thinner by the day), she fell - which is what got her in the rehab center from her apt in the first place - and could fall again at any time, she can't hear, she can't see well, she can't stay awake, she can't eat, she's depressed about her son, daughter, and nephew being ill, and that her sister just died. And I think she's stopped caring about herself.

I hate this. I hate death. Its not even here and just knowing its coming is unbearable.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Poop.

I think its an appropriate title, considering a) we have a puppy (!!!) and therefore a yard full of poop; and b) I had my first colonoscopy yesterday. A definitely offsets B, trust me.

Jethro came home to us on Saturday, but not after a traumatic double-eye surgery on Friday morning...he had two cherry eyes, where his third eyelid popped out and inside out... Um, did you know dogs had three eyelids? No?? Where have you been, under a rock?

It's weird.

So he looked like Satan Puppy (Devil Dog?) with these huge, red eyes - the eyelid completely covering his beautiful brown eyes and it was pretty scary...and VERY sad. We are struggling to put the ointment in, but he is adjusting pretty well. He is the most loving, friendly puppy ever - no biting, no growling (unless he has to poop...then he gets a little weird. We'll work on that) and he loves everyone. He's so happy! And his eyes are getting much better.

We just have to get him to like the crate better... its so sad to hear him whine and let out a couple barks when he gets in there. I will NOT be good at doing this with my child (what's it called? CIO?)

As for B... eh, it was fine. Prep was not fun, but supposedly all looks normal. I'll hear back on the results of the biopsies next week at my f/u meeting w/ the doc. The staff at Hartford Hospital were all super nice - I was very impressed. And I love anesthesia.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Funerals suck.

So yesterday was my Great Aunt Lucy's funeral - my dad's aunt. My gramma is too sick to go, so afterwards when we went to see her in the nursinghome it was so sad....she kept saying "I just thought I'd see her one last time" and she was crying. That was the worst part. I didn't know Lucy well, but all funerals suck no matter what. I think one of the most awkward things is having to mingle at my cousin's house at the luncheon - when you don't really know extended family and you have to force conversation. So weird. Listen, I know its rude to say, and it was a somber occasion, but these things always turn into parties afterwards and I'm just being honest. Its weird.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

PUPPY!

I finally got a call from Kim the puppy lady last night... we talked for over 35 minutes! Things are looking good! She didn't grill me, we just talked about what C and I are looking for, kind of a 'do you know what to expect' conversation. She told me that Jethro was pretty calm, but very loving - she's bringing him over on Saturday for a 'home visit' ... she said, we'll call it that for now. But I think it'll turn into him coming HOME!! :)

It was snowing last night, I made chicken soup before C got home from work, and I got all sappy just picturing our little family growing, with a puppy running around. We are nowhere near the stereotypical family with wifey cooking, husband coming home late and dinner on the table, but last night it just fit in to place that way and it was so cool. Now I gotta wait 3 more days? Come on people!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Please don't waste my time.

There's a lot of people in this world who think its ok to waste your time. I tend to disagree.

I had an appointment with a potential client at 10am this morning. BigBoss and I drove to his office. He wasn't there - out sick they said. I never got a call, an email....nothing. So we turned around and came back. I think its rude - I mean, I understand people get sick, but his secretary knows I was coming and she had my number. I could have been working (true, I'm blogging now and NOT working, but the point is valid). So, I implore idiots of the world, please don't waste my time.

Birthday Wiiiiii

So for my bday last night, C made me dinner - Chicken parm - which was awesome.. and pretty much the only thing he can make :). Then we played wii fit - my bday present! I am in love. It is so dumb, and so fun at the same time. And I am sore today. Pathetic, but true. And my tuna buddy Apryl came by and brought my flowers and tuna - love her :) She may also be the only person reading this, so I have to write nice things.

Heard from the puppy lady - she worked all weekend, and worked late last night, so hopefully I should hear from her tonight about finalizing things, and we might actually get JETHRO! Both my parents are against it.... you'll never have weekends free, what are you thinking.. gee, thanks. But he is so darn cute. He will be hysterical when we play Wii - Just picture it. I can't wait!

Monday, February 2, 2009

My first blog......awwh...

Well, I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while. I don't know if I have anything relavant, interesting or worthwhile to say (or anything to say period), and I doubt anyone will read it, but I figure what the heck, it'll be good to get some things out in writing. So here goes.

I'm Jen. I'm 29 today. Happy birthday to me :) Married to Chris on July 5, 2008, together for nearly 7 years, living in CT. We just bought a house in November, and we are planning to get a puppy in the next couple weeks. Basically the typical - what you're supposed to do when you grow up - stuff. Other than have a kid. I want children, I do, and C is dying for me to be pregnant...like yesterday...but I'm just not there yet. We never have the money to do what we want to do, we pay the bills, buy food, and that's about it (and yes, I want a puppy and I know they are expensive) and I want a little more time to be selfish with just me and C. I am beyond happy for my friends who are pregnant, just having kids, or trying to have them... I'm just not there yet.

And I feel guilty about it. My parents don't say anything, but my in-laws do, and I know my parents think about it. And C gives me 'the look' - the 'why aren't we on the same page about this?' look. And I feel guilty, but it doesn't change my mind.

So we wait. Maybe next year. Maybe in 2 years. Maybe it'll just happen and I won't have to plan it and stress about the fact that I have to plan it and I'm not ready...

In the meantime, I want a puppy! We've been waiting to hear if we are approved by a rescue adoption place and still no word. But I'm hopeful! It will be tough, but a welcome change of pace in our quiet lives-a fun, loving new addition to our family. I can't wait!

That's all for now... I told ya' - senseless, meaningless, rambling :)