Thursday, November 18, 2010

Part 3: November 18, 2009. Oh, baby!

November 18, 2009 

1:45am, Mama's ready to meet her baby!

Last photo as a family of 2!
1:30am - Nurse, I have to push. Like really, honestly. You know when they say "you'll just know?" I know.

So they checked, and within 2 hours I had gone from 4 to 9.5cm...just a 'lip' of the cervix left. Ew. I remember being grossed out by that image and terminology even then. Seriously?

The baby's heartbeat was suddenly dropping at every contraction, and they were worried about infection since it had been so long since my water had broken, so they pushed a bag of IV antibiotics into me as quickly as they could.

15 minutes later, the urge was even more intense, and suddenly a whole team of people swarmed in and were setting everything up - the bassinet/warmer, the table & tray with all the tools, the bed came down, and Dr. B walked in just as everything was set up. It was controlled chaos at its very definition.


 Room is set and ready for baby! And the Plan for the Day says "Have a baby."

Contractions were just a little strong at this point!
It was 2:00 am, November 18, 2009.

Are you ready, Jen?

Oh yes. I really have to push.

At that moment, C came to the right side of my bed, grabbed my hand, and we looked so deeply into each other's eyes that I swear I saw his soul. And it was beautiful. He was so excited, so proud, so scared, so happy - and I loved him more in that moment than I ever had before.

Then I told him to grab the camera and make sure he had it ready. ha. Control freak.

I was suddenly calm and ready. My body took over, and knew what to do for me in that moment.

Dr. B said we'd take a practice push, just to get things moving. But I apparently didn't need practicing! I don't remember how many times I pushed (it was in sets of 3 - push, quick breath, push, quick breath, push, rest). But it wasn't a lot. C was right next to me, cheering me on quietly, looking down when he could finally see the head (props to him!), and holding my right hand in his left, my right leg in his right. The epi had left my right side completely useless, though I could feel my left side a bit.

About 20 minutes later, Dr. B said "This is it  - one last push, Jen. Are you ready?"

PUSH.

Hold on, Jen. Stop pushing. The cord is wrapped around the baby's neck.

So scary. Like unbelievable, momentary panic. I looked down and saw her head - Dr. B tilted it back, pulled the cord off effortlessly (that's why the heart beat was dropping, it turns out), and told me one last time to push. It was 2:30 am, November 18, 2009.

And then she was here.

My perfect little baby girl.

And I loved her. Instantly and completely, I loved her.

Welcome to the world, little one.

She came out WAILING. Blood curdling, non-stop screams that even the nurses were surprised by! She was wiped down and plopped on my chest, still screaming. I shhhed her, said hello, told her happy birthday, and that I loved her. Chris cut the umbilical cord, and they took her away after a minute or two to weigh her and give her the initial Apgar tests.

I have to admit, pushing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. About 20 to 25 minutes or so... Even Dr. B was surprised at how quickly it all went, especially after all we'd been through in the previous 36 hours (almost to the minute, from water break to birth, actually!), and since it was my first child. I remember her joking - maybe next time you actually go into labor before your water breaks, huh? But my baby was finally ready, and nothing was going to stop her! After all that time, she was here!

I don't know why, but I was calm. I was emotional internally, I suppose, but I was just...peaceful. I wasn't scared, or in pain, or anything. I was just in such a state of bliss, and awe, and pure joy, that I was absolutely fine.

They asked us what her name was, and we both kind of just looked at each other. We knew what her middle name was going to be from the day we found out she was a girl - Josephine, after my grandmother who had died just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant. I knew she had a hand in it all, and we wanted to honor her. But for the baby's first name... Neither of us wanted to say it out loud....We were down to 2 names, and I think if one of us said the opposite of what the other one was thinking, we would have felt bad! But finally I said to Chris, Alexandra? He smiled, nodded, and kissed my head. And that was it. Alexandra Josephine was named. And she was ours.

She was 6lbs 15.7 oz, so they said she was 7lbs even and 20 inches long. The exact average size! But she was anything but average. She was perfect. We counted her fingers and toes a million times, just to make sure. I kissed her perfect lips and little cheeks, and teeny fingers over and over again. I rocked her, and probably said "Hi Allie! Hi baby! Hi Alexandra! It's Mommy! You're here! Happy Birth Day! I love you!" a hundred times. We looked at her deep blue eyes for the first time, and I never wanted to look away. It was amazing. I probably overuse that word, but I don't know how else to describe so many things about that day, about her, about how my entire world changed in a split second.

We waited a while to call our parents. We just basked in her beauty, in our love, and in the sheer craziness of what had just happened. All her tests came back fine, and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I don't remember much else about that morning - when we gave her a bath, what time I could finally get up (though I do remember having 2 nurses help me, in case I fell on the way to the bathroom since my epi was still sort of wearing off), what we said to our parents (we finally called about 4 or 4:30am)... I really don't have a clue. I think it's strange that I remember so much detail up until she is born, but once she's here I can't remember the order of stuff that happened. All I cared about was that she was here, she was perfect, and she was mine.

So that's the story of my little Allie's birth.

Nothing traumatic, just a long awaited arrival of a beautiful, perfect baby girl.

Mike even dubbed her "Alexandra the Late" for making us wait so long!

My family came later in the morning, about 9am, C's a little after noon for the first time. Both came back later that night, and C's brother Tim drove down around dinner time from MA. My best friend Amanda came after work- drove 2 hours one way just to sit and be with us for about 30 minutes. And that's why she is my best friend.

Thursday we had a few visitors - family, mostly, but it was a day of learning to diaper, bathe, nurse, swaddle, and just holding her, staring at her, taking pictures.... It's all a blur, really. I remember showering eventually. I don't remember if I ever slept. Thursday night, I sent C home to sleep - one of us needed to be rested! - and get Jethro from boarding so C could introduce Allie's scent to him before he met her.

And Friday, November 20, 2009 - my due date - it was time to go home!

She didn't pee until Friday morning, right before we left (um, plenty of poop. Gross.), and they were concerned... turns out it was because of the antibiotics they pushed right before she was born. She was a little jaundiced and her bilirubin levels were elevated, but it wasn't enough to have her go under the lights.

I brought a beautiful white footie pj type outfit for her to go home in - we expected her to be kind of big, but she was teeny, and she was swimming in the outfit. Her foot poked out of the crotch, in between two snaps, and C and I giggled hysterically. There were so many fits of giggles the first few days (in the middle of the night, one of us said 'whose baby is this?!' and we both lost it!) - out of nerves or exhaustion or whatever it was, we shared a lot of laughs. We went to the parenting exit class, had one more meeting with the lactation consultant, got our stuff together and left.

Our tiny peanut in her going home outfit


Just like that, we were on our own - how scary is that?! They let you take the baby with you!

It was a gorgeous day out. Simply beautiful. I sat in the back seat with Alexandra on the drive.....and then we were home. A new family of 4 (Jethro included, of course!). Scared, exhausted, but ready and totally in love, C and I started our parenthood journey.

Meeting her big brother for the first time.

And, as much as you hear this, I truly, truly can not believe it's been a year. That was the absolute fastest 365 days of my life.


Our first family photo, when she was about 6 hours old.

Happy birthday, Alexandra!

One year old.

Impossible to believe that one year ago today - after 36 hours of "any minute now," months of anticipation before that, and a lifetime of waiting to meet you, though I didn't know it yet - you finally arrived safe and warm into my arms.

As I've watched you learn and grow this year, you've taught me more than I could have ever imagined possible... the true meanings of unconditional love, pure joy and true hope. You are the most special girl in the world, and I'm trying hard to deserve you as my daughter every day.

At every stage of this year, I wanted you to stay just as you were - tiny and perfect, cuddly and soft, dependent on me. But as you've grown, I've loved everything that you've become, and I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

I love you, little angel. Thank you for the most amazing, whirlwind, wonderful, crazy, and fastest year of my life.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Part 2 - Nov. 17, 2009. Longest. Day. Ever.

We kept notes at the hospital so we would remember everything - the meds I got, the nurses we had, what time things happened....it's amazing to look at, to feel what I was feeling when I wrote it, and to remember details of A's birth (I even wrote down my room number! I never would have remembered that a week later, never mind a year or more!). So, onto the recap....warning, it's long. It was an even longer day, trust me.

Monday Nov. 16, 2009 (con't. -- I found more info in the notes that I forgot :) )

Got off the NST about 10:45 so I could walk the halls an try to get things started. We walked for about a half hour, and the contractions did start coming a little stronger. Not strong enough, though! We decided to postpone Pitocin and take a pill - misopropyl? Something like that... to get things really going.

Tuesday Nov. 17, 2009

Took half a pill of the Miso (as we call it... it's one of those cutsie/pukey things we say to each other all the time, and we found the name appropriate) and kept the monitors on. The meds did nothing for the contractions - they were sporadic and weak, but hey, I got some sleep finally! From 2:30 to 4 or so, I conked out, and C passed out on the oh-so-comfortable couch turned bed-type unit.  Got up and walked a bit...but I was exhausted.

With no progress made from the Miso, our early morning visit with Dr. B resulted in me being told I was going on pitocin to really crank it up a notch. Fine with me! Give me the drugs! I thought this was it - I would meet my baby soon - so I had to look good for all the pictures! I showered, and even put on make up before I was hooked up to Pitocin at about 6:30am. They rolled me to my side to try to wake up the baby, who was snoozing away. But nothing happened, so they upped the dose around 7:15.

Then I was on my own for a bit. Chris left to get breakfast about 8am and I think he met up with my brother Mike and sister Sarah down in the cafeteria. As soon as my water had broken I had called them, and I think they both came home to CT Monday night, eagerly awaiting the birth of their niece. Mike might have come Tuesday afternoon.. I'm not sure. With Chris gone, I moved around from the bed to the rocker to the ball, but nothing really happened. I was starving at this point, and the doc let me eat graham crackers, jello, tea & apple juice.... you're not supposed to eat in case of an emergency c-section, but with how slow things were going, Dr. B wasn't concerned. 

I read, cat napped, and tried everything I could to get the baby moving; I talked to her, sang to her, rubbed & poked my belly, squatted in hopes of having her fall out..... nothing worked.

Around 10:30am, my parents & sister came up to see me. When Dr. B came in at 10:55, contractions were close but not enough pain...

You're still smiling.

Yep. But I can see the contractions on the monitor. That's good, right? That means I'm getting close?

Sorry, Jen. When I come in and you're not smiling, then you'll be close.

(I had no idea how right she was.)

Let's lower the pitocin. Do you want pain meds?

No. I want to go as long as I can without an epidural or pain medication.



I kept switching positions - ball, pillows stacked on the bed & leaning my big pregnant ass out. In fact, I have a line in my notes that says "11:15, Chris takes video of my ass" HAHAHA. Love that I wrote that, and no, I have no idea what happened to that video. I barely remember that happening, except that we laughed hysterically about it! We took timeline pictures all day - me reading, on the ball, in the rocker... C kept documenting my face, the clock, the room getting messier and messier -- it's really interesting now to see how my expression changes as the day wears on.

2:15 - Stadol injection. Ok, so I didn't last that long w/o pain meds, I guess. But honestly, it did nothing for me. It made me dizzy and light headed, and I sat in the rocker and sorta dozed/dazed in and out for an hour or so. It took the pain from an 8 to a 6 or 7. Wow, that there's the good stuff, doc. haha.

2:30 - Exam time -- finally! They were few and far between because of the risk of infection, so I never knew if I was progressing or not. When we got to the hospital I was still at 1cm - and that's it. I was sure I was at least 6 or 7 cm at this point. I mean, it had been 24 hours since my water broke, I'd squatted & walked & there had to be something happening.

50% effaced, - 2 station, 3cm.

WHAT. That's it? How can I be in this much pain and there is nothing happening?

You're still smiling & joking, Jen. You're not in pain.

3:30 - second Stadol injection. Did absolute jack shit.

Aaaaand here it comes.

5:00 - Mike & Sarah come back to visit.

Oh boy, it's starting. I can still sorta joke with them, but man am I in pain. Like real pain now. I never should have complained earlier in the day. I'm switching positions like crazy, but eventually have to kick them out because it's just too much. Breathing, arching, squatting, ball, polar bear (they have some dumbass names for the positions..)

6:00 - Dr. B comes back in.

Nothing is happening.  Your contractions are still every 2 mins or so, but they aren't strong enough. Want to take a pitocin break & walk around?

God yes. Get me off this thing and out of this room. I'm going nuts.

(And wtf, baby? Nice and cozy in there, eh? )

So I am taken off the pitocin, take a shower, sit on the ball in the shower, get dressed and try walking the halls again. I remember seeing a bag full of little knit hats on one of the bassinet units in the hall -- I asked a nurse about them, and apparently volunteers knit baby hats for new moms - they are all unique, and it was such a cool little touch.

8:30 - Back on my friend, Pitocin. But, good lord, does it do the trick this time. Apparently I just needed a break.

I wasn't smiling anymore!

By 9:00, I'm ready for the epidural. I waited as long as I could... I tried so hard to avoid it, went back and forth with the nurse about whether I really wanted it, but I could not deal with the pain. I was trying every position I could but I had started to go through transition, and was shaking at this point. Finally the anesthesiologist comes in.

And chats up Chris.

Doc - Who's reading that book?

C- I am.

Do you like it? I was thinking of getting it to read.

REALLY??? Small talk - right now?! Stick the damn needle in my back already doc, I'm dyin' over here! I was having trouble breathing through the contractions, doing everything I could remember from class, holding C's and Nurse Jen's hands way too tight, I'm sure...
I remember the look on C's face so clearly. He was so scared for me. He'd never seen me in any kind of pain before, and to see me laying on my side shaking, my jaw trembling, having to breathe so deeply to get through every contraction scared the shit out of him. But he was amazing. He told me I was doing a great job, breathed with me, told me I was almost there, never complained that I was squeezing too tight, and even made me smile through the most excruciating pain I'd ever known - that's some skill, right there, I tell ya. And that nurse, Jen? She was a saint. Nothing else comes close to describing her. All the nurses were awesome, but she was truly an angel.

10:30 - Heaven. In the form of a needle directly in my spine. Who knew? Ok, so epidural's kicking in, and after all that pain, I must be ready, right? I figured I had waited too long to even get the epi - I must be about ready to push..... right, Doc?

4 cm, 90% effaced, -1 station.

OH MY GOD. Come on, Baby!!!!

I slept for a bit maybe 11ishpm-1am on and off between people coming in, beeping, and everything else that goes on in a hospital, but woke up with the weirdest feeling around 1am.....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It all started a year ago today....

One year ago today, Nov. 16th, 2009 I wrote:

Still here, still pregnant. 39 weeks, 3 days.... but on Friday I had progressed from a fingertip (1/2 cm on Monday) to ONE FULL CENTIMETER. wahoo. (sarcasm, people -I could stay that way for weeks). We'll see if all the old wives' tales of Mexican food, eggplant, sex, pineapple, walking and yardwork did anything at today's appointment.

I know I'm not overdue, and she really could just be cozy in there until Dec. 2. I just don't want to wait to meet her! As scared, nervous and anxious as we are, we are just ready. I think we both hit that point this weekend... we want her to be here so badly, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell her and to just stare at her. We are already so in love with this baby we've never met --- and we just want her to be here already! So, fingers crossed for more progress today...

This was before noon. (For some reason the time on this blog is screwed up and I have no idea what timezone it shoes up in) I wrote this in the morning, went out to lunch at noon, got a pedicure, came back to work, and at 2:30 pm, my water broke. Yes, at work. It was just about as awesome as you might expect.

I ran (ok, I waddled this weird, hoppy, twisty kind of wobbly walk/run. I'm sure I looked graceful and awesome) to the private single bathroom in the hallway instead of the main one with several stalls, and just sat there. I was freaking out and super excited and nervous and elated and scared and ready all at the same time. I wrapped up with TP and paper towels as good as I could, waddled back to the office and I called my OB first (sorry, C), and told the nurse. I had just been there on Friday, and they told me it could be a while, so they were just as surprised as I was. I said I was at work, but could drive myself. They said they'd rather have someone drive me.

So I walked into my dad's office...

My water just broke.

WHAT? (Simultaneous panic and giant grin spread across his face)

My water just broke, Dad. I'm going to call Chris and then it's time to go. Can you drive me? They won't let me drive myself. We just have to go to the doctor's office, not the hospital.

I went back to my desk and started straightening up, shutting down my computer, and dialing the phone.  We had a code word that I had been waiting to use - Guatemala. I have no idea why, but that's what it was. If he wasn't at his desk, I was to have him paged and somehow incorporate that word. Luckily he answered.

Babe, you want to go to Guatemala? I was thinking we should go to Guatemala on vacation.

Shut up. Are you fucking kidding me? (we are so classy.)

No, I'm not fucking kidding you. My water just broke! (she says, at work, in a cubicle, with her dad now standing 3 feet away....again, classy lady here.) It's time to go. Dad is going to drive me to Dr. B's office -can you meet us there?

Yes. I'm leaving now. Oh my God. Really?

Yes, honey. We're going to go now, I'll talk to you soon.

And we hung up. Dad got his stuff ready to go and came back over to me. He had *just* bought a car the Friday before (this was Monday -  so his car was a whopping 3 days old) and he, ever so eloquent and tactful says:

What are you going to sit on?

I have paper towels and a reusable canvas shopping bag. Your poor car, Dad. Really? That's what you're thinking about?!

We still have a good laugh about it to this day. Hysterical!

Down we went to his car, and up we drove to the doctor's office. They got me right in (I was soaked at this point. So comfortable), weighed me, and got me into a room. Dad waited in the waiting room for Chris to arrive, and all the while I could hear him talking to whoever was out there that his daughter was in labor and he was about to meet his first grandchild. He's a talker. When he's nervous he talks - and he was giddy as a school girl.

C finally got there (I guess there was NO parking - of course) and we exchanged a big smile, a huge hug, and a nervous 'holy shit' look. The doc came in, did the litmus test, confirmed that it was in fact my water (gee, thanks for the vote of confidence...but considering I had just been in on Friday with what I *thought* was a waterbreak, I guess I could have been wrong this time. But I knew I wasn't. There was no denying or mistaking what was going on). I was still leaking, but I had to have an NST, a non-stress test to make sure the baby's heartbeat was ok during contractions. Turned out I wasn't contracting that much - or they weren't very strong, anyways.

So, together with the doctor, we made the decision to go home, see how much I could progress on my own, shower, eat dinner, and call her about 8pm.

We went home and I called my mom and asked her to bring over Classico 4 cheese sauce and shady brook farms turkey meatballs. I wanted my 'last meal' to be pasta. How I-Ti of me. We took a picture right before we walked out the door to leave to capture the moment - our excitement, fear, my belly... I don't have access to it right now, but I will post it when I can.

Shower, cleaning & food later, I still wasn't really contracting. Doc said come in, we'll do a dose of something that should get things started. I thought I could labor at home a little longer, but the risk of infection goes up after the water breaks, so in we went. What an exhilarating and scary car ride that was. We parked, went into the ER entrance since it was so late (around 9 or so), and they brought us upstairs to the 3rd floor maternity wing. I refused the wheel chair at first, but C talked some sense into me.  In the ER, we saw my dad's cousin. Totally random. I have no idea what she was doing there.

I was admitted, checked out, and Dr. B came by a short time later to say hi. Nothing else really happened that night..... So that was my Monday, November 16, 2009.