Gramma was even worse yesterday - less than 24 hours after I first saw her. I had some alone time with her - about 30 mins before my cousin Ryan got there with his girlfriend Jen and his son Noah. I told her I understood why she was giving up, I wasn't mad, and I loved her. I told her I wasn't ready for her to go, but I know she is. I held her hand - with my rubber glove since we had to be gowned and gloved to go in - and just sat there. I started crying, and she woke up for a few seconds and caught me... and told me not to cry. Always a Gramma.
Her breathing is more labored, and she wheezes as she exhales. Every few minutes she coughs painfully, deeply, and it hurts just to hear her be in so much pain, and to see her wince from it makes me wince. I could see her dreaming - her mouth would move, her feet would wiggle, like a puppy having a dream about running. I hope she was running...better yet, dancing. It's been so long since she's been pain free, able to be comfortable in her own body, and I know she is ready for it to be over.
Mike and Sarah come home to say goodbye tonight. I don't know what they will think, how they will feel, seeing her like that. She was so much worse yesterday than Wednesday even - I can't imagine how she is doing today. I hope she is still awake enough to open her eyes, hear them tell her they love her, and to say it back - that meant the world to me, and I hope they get that too.
When I left last night, I told her I loved her again, and blew her a kiss. She blew me a kiss back and said she loved me. The whole time we were there she didn't stay awake for more then 15-20 seconds at a time...but as we were leaving, she fought to stay awake and watched us leave. I hope that is not the last time I say goodbye to her, but if it is, I'm glad I got the chance.
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