Not fair.

Sometimes, there is no other way to put it but to say life is not fair. Maybe it sounds like a childish tantrum, but it's true.

Right now, a friend is watching her husband fade away after a long, courageous battle with cancer. She's 31, and has to face a reality of a life without her partner. I can't fathom how she is feeling, and I hate that she is going through this. I feel useless, like I can't help her at all.......and I can only imagine that she feels the same way about not being able to do anything for him.

She's seen cancer steal his energy, his positive attitude, his body, and everything else that he used to be. I think she's handled it with more grace than I ever could. Yes, they've fought. Yes, she's been angry with him and with the world. Yes, she feels bitter and jaded and numb. But I can't blame her. She doesn't give herself enough credit for her strength & resilience. So she cries. Sometimes even breaks down completely. Big deal. Wouldn't you? She loves her husband, and is helplessly watching him die. What could be worse?

My friend, "sorry" seems beyond inadequate to tell you how I feel about what you are going through. You don't deserve this - to lose your husband, to be a widow, to have to make such hard decisions on your own. It's too fast, and too difficult, too painful, and just plain awful.  But you are amazing. You have been his rock and his strength when he didn't have any of his own, his logic & level-head when he couldn't think straight, his fight when he wanted to give up, and his energy when he was too tired to get through the day. I bet you didn't even know you had that strength, fight & energy in you. I know you are exhausted, but you muster it up somehow because you love him. If that's not a testament to true love.... You have shown grace in a terrible situation, and while I know you won't take credit, you have kept him going in his battle.

No, her husband's fight is not about me. At all. I know that. But, right now, I'm on the outside looking in. Hearing small bits of info from her, and more details from another friend, and not being able to do anything to lift her burden or protect her from hurting.


So I am left to think about what I would do in her situation, and I honestly don't know. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't handle it with such dignity and poise as she is. I don't know how I'd get through it, how I'd be able to care for A without C, how I'd be able to explain to A where her daddy went... C and I have struggled so much this year - in our communication, our treatment of each other, our ability to forgive... Just last night I told him I had doubts about whether we would make it...Awful, I know. He was so hurt, and took it to mean that I didn't want to make it, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She shouldn't be an example, and I know wouldn't want to be seen as such, so this seems selfish even saying it... But seeing my friend go through this puts everything in perspective. I have C here.  He is in control of his diabetes right now which means he is as healthy as he can be for now, and I have to work harder. At my attitude, at my response and reaction to him, at my temper and my mouth, at my contributions to our relationship, at being able to forgive, at being more flexible, at being appreciative and thankful, and at being a better friend and wife to him. Because if I were to lose him, I'd have too many regrets, too many things I'd look back on and hate myself for. I am lucky to have him here, right now, and that is the most important thing. Not whether he fed the baby overnight, or worked late, or didn't ask me how my day was. He's here.

I don't know how to end this post. So I'll just end it.